My Bipolar Marriage

It's not easy having Bipolar Affective Disorder and being married. My moods rapidly cycle. It's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself. Sometimes I have to be selfish and take time out for myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't even function as a human, let alone a wife.

With my moods, at one moment I'm up, the next I'm way way way down. It's hard to live happily ever after when you hit rock bottom and get out of bed. It can be dizzying for my husband when one moment I'm lower than low and the next I'm bouncing around the house wanting to do everything at once. However most often I find myself on the depressed side of my disorder. I can also be the angriest, crankiest bitch when I want to be. My flight response is so ingrained that every other week I've decided it is probably best that I leave the relationship.

It's hard to love your husband when you can't even love yourself. It's a bloody horrible thing to say, but there are days where I feel that there is just not an ounce of love in my body that I just muster to share with anyone. What little I have, I give to my children. Unfortunately sometimes he misses out. That makes me feel like a really shitty person.

There are weeks where I have to take time out to focus on my own mental health, leaving my husband behind to deal with all of the stress and responsibility. This past two months I have been in a psychiatric hospital three times. For a minimum of two weeks at a time. During that time he has had to endure his own issues that have made life harder for him than it should be. What makes me feel even more terrible is knowing that I am not there for him when he needs me most.

Sometimes the illness takes over and I feel like I don't even want to get out of bed. I either start the day not wanting to get out of bed and have to get Husbfriend to look after getting the kids organised for school/care while I stay in bed, or I start the day OK and then find myself in my bed with no way of getting out again. Then he finds that instead of just coming straight home and relaxing, he has to do the child care run to get the baby to bring home to the lazy wife. On these days I am lucky to have showered, let alone made dinner.

However other days I decide that I want to get everyting done at once and I start cleaning every room at the one time. Pull all of the crap out of every room and put it on the dining table. I zip around from room to room doing bits and pieces here and there, only to find that I haven't actually achieved anything much and it is time for dinner and all of the shit that I have piled on the dining table needs to be shoved back in to the rooms they came from and I have wasted a whole day.

Thankfully through all of this I have a kind, loving, caring man who is a pillar of strength in our family. Without him being the person that he is, my marriage would have dissolved a long time ago. I do realise each and every day how lucky I am to be married to a man like him. I'm looking forward to getting this illness of mine managed enough for me to be able to be at least half the wife this amazing man deserves.

A Conversation With A Friend

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine named Hayley. She had recently had a stay at Belmont Hospital too so I wanted to discuss her experiences.

A: How did you find your experience there?

H: I think I was more motivated at the beginning than at the end. Like, I kind of got over it at the end. But going in there I was just happy to be doing something to help myself. So I kind of felt good about going in and I felt really good during CBT because it was structured and I felt like part of the group, because we all got to know each other in that group and it was a nice group of people to be with.

A: How long were you in there for in total?

H: I was there for four weeks altogether, and two of them were in CBT. But I found that when CBT finished I felt like I was missing something. I had to do random groups that I wasn’t as interested in and that didn’t help me as much.

A: I found a very similar thing.  You’d get excited about a new course that you think is going to be totally amazing, like creative writing. I went there and I really enjoyed it. So the next time I went I thought it was going to build on that last stuff, but the second course was exactly the same. I think the even told the same jokes. Nothing was different. It felt like a waste of my time, but what else was I going to do with my time, really?

H: I ended up avoiding all of the informational sessions as I’d done it all in CBT anyway and I wasn’t getting anything out of them. I ended up going to the mindfulness colouring in and doing the mandalas and crafts, as it takes your mind off stuff because you’re just focusing on that, which is good.

A: Speaking of which I went for a walk this morning and took my Calm The Fuck Down colouring in book with me to do while I had a coffee. It was lovely. Problem is that I find that with the neuropathic pain in my hand I have about 20 mins of colouring in ahead of me before I’m done.

H: Have you tried the colouring in apps?

A: No but I have tried the Headspace App (give info about headspace app)

A: How did you find it when you went home?

H I don’t think I was too much better or worse. I think there were things I was able to better handle, but there wasn’t a really big improvement or anything.

A: For me, what I was talking to Trent about it being like was it being a massive floodgate being opened and all my emotions coming vomiting out that I hadn’t dealt either properly or at all over the 40 years. And now that I have done that and come home, I don’t know how to close it, I don’t know if I’m supposed to close it. But my emotions are wild. And I was wondering if that was something you’d experienced, if your emotions are more out of control since going home?

H: Not really. One of my problems is that I don’t feel enough emotions. I’ve just repressed it enough that there’s not really any feelings anymore. There is this numb, flat feeling, and that hasn’t changed. That was something I was hoping would change, to be able to have emotions.

A: That’s the shitty thing. The only day group you can go to is CBT and once you’ve done that all you’re left with are the individual sessions, which have usually been covered by CBT or are your arts and crafts, and mindfulness colouring in groups. You leave hospital an come back, and you can’t do any of the outpatient programs while you’re an inpatient.

So if your psychiatrist suggested you go back in as an inpatient again, is that something you’d consider?

H: Yeah I would because I didn’t hate it. It is good to be able to see the psychiatrist every day, and it is good to be away from the real world when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I think I would go back in, but not for as long as for the first time.

A: Do you have a plan to go back in at some point in time in the near future?

H: It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t think I need to. I go through cycles for months and then I have a cycle where I get really bad and I’m not in one of those at the moment. I’m just cruising along. Not feeling too bad, but not feeling too good either. Just kind of existing.

A: Did they give you a diagnosis?

H: They gave me a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, BPD and investigating me for ADHD.

H: People have a view of what a disorder is, or what it should be, and the reality of that si quite different, especially around the hyperactivity part. More about fidgeting, not being able to sit still, as opposed to being manic and uncontrollable.

A: Now you’re doing an outreach program at the moment, is that correct?

H: I’m enrolled for DBT and there are no places in that as yet, so in the interm I’m doing an outreach program which has me seeing a mental health nurse weekly, and then I get a free consult with my psychiatrist. It saves you having to pay big bucks to see your psychiatrist on the regular. DBT is a big commitment as it is 2 days a week for 6 months.

N.B Just as a side note, Hayley has recently returned to Belmont to be monitored for a medication change. Nothing to drastic, but it was worth noting in the context of the discussion.

Double Denim Day

Yesterday I had a chat with a friend about her outside view on the private psychiatric hospital that I'm in. We discussed her views before she came to visit, and after she arrived. We also discussed if she would consider admission if the situation were to arise for herself or for her make believe late teens child. We also talk about cheesy bread. A lot.

Prior India was under the impression that it would be a lot more clinical. Like, much less nice and comfortable. Originally she didn't think there would be anything nice about it at all, assuming it would be bare rooms, barred windows, typical movie type set up. Initially she was concerned she would have to sign in like a jail, behind locked doors. She expected the patients would not appear to be as "normal"as they mostly are. Another thing that struck her was the limited number of staff that are in the ward. There is more free reign and not as stringent monitoring. I filled her in on the fact that it is up to the doctors about who is monitored how regularly. I am not monitored regularly at all as I am much less of a risk to myself and others. It really isn't possible for me to just organise to sign in and out. The psychiatrist needs to give approval for me to have leave, how often they need to check me, etc. based on risk. Although those on stricter monitoring aren't watched by orderlies in white coats, like they are in the movies. I originally expected it to be more like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioBueVTZ0RM

India admitted to me that she has had some encounters in public mental health as a child seeing a psychiatrist, but never admitted as a patient at all. When asked if she'd consider being admitted if a health professional told her she would  benefit from being hospitalised, would she consider it, she said "Yeah I’d definitely be more inclined to do so. Less afraid. I’d be like wondering where the drugs are at. Hook a sister up! Where’s my sizzler buffet you c*nts are talking about? I want my cheesy bread!" Prior to having visited the hospital and seen it with her own eyes she originally would have told them to "literally go fuck themselves. No chance. None."!

What if the time came that she had a teenager sick enough to be here? "Fucking oath. Absolutely." I think that is something that is confronting for both of us as a parent. This isn’t as if it is an unrealistic possibility. Both of us have our own mental health issues, and that does increase the possibility of a child of our own growing up with them too. My stepson said to me “Yeah cool. I will probably need to come stay here myself sometime soon” hahahahaha. I find it frustrating seeing “normal”people out there who don’t come to places like this when clearly they should. And that is where the problem is. People are too afraid because they don't understand the reality.

To India, the place has a nice tone to it. Although the first time she visited and we went to dinner (still no fucking cheesy bread) she felt rather confronted by seeing some of the people were clearly depressed, or had obvious physical ailments, and those who were sitting alone because they are socially isolated and don’t know anyone or they are too anxious to sit with others. I must admit that I find the communal style of dining to be quite difficult and having to sit and eat with people I don’t know. Even after 4 or so weeks I still find it really awkward to sit across from someone I don’t know. I usually just plug in my earphones and listen to music while I eat.

The worst part about it would have to be the cost. A couple of weeks in a place like this would set you back a couple of thousand dollars. And there are some self funded people here. However with private health funds you are usually covered for psychiatric treatment 2 months after you start yor policy. Please check with a provider and don't take that as gospel. But for anyone who might need some extra help, please look in to it. Private psychiatric inpatient time is vastly different to public inpatient time.

Trigger Warning About Suicidal Thoughts

Hello you sweet readers. I may have to go a little quiet for a bit. See, I'm not doing so well. After a diagnosis from a doctor relating to my pain not being treatable, I have been thinking that life really isn't worth living like this for another 40 or so years. It is not a fun thought to have but sometimes you get to a point where you stop caring.

I have been told that surgery isn't likely to help me long term. The idea of driving into the concrete divider, or drink wine and down a few boxes of opiates became something of a viable option. So I saw my psych with Husbfriend in tow and we decided hospital was the go. We called around to find my options and, well, there aren't many good ones.

First of all, I'm still waiting to hear back from Belmont. Both my psychiatrist and the admissions desk. Second option was for me to go to Ipswich Hospital. I've been there for mental​health issues before and they treated me like and amoeba on a flea on a rat. Fuck that again. So our third option is to drive in to the city to the RBWH, and pretend that I had my mental break on there. They should admit me as a public patient and then move me off to Belmont within 24hours. Fingers crossed.

Problem is, dear reader, I will loose access to technology for a spell. So if I don't post, don't despair. If anything serious occurs, Trent can inform you.

Otherwise, see you on the flip side. Sunny side up.

I'm in Crazytown for another week.

It has been a big couple of days. Some good, some not so good. I've made revelations, changed medications, purchased things, and lost stuff, (which was found by other people). But hilarity ensued so that makes up for it.

CBT has been great. We have discussed saying "No", made a plan around relapsing, discussed self esteem, and identified our strengths. I would definitely say that the self-esteem and strengths lessons were the most confronting. I'm not great at identifying my strengths. Feel free to indulge me by commenting with ideas I could use for what my strengths are. CBT comes to an end tomorrow however I can do a continuation or another day course when I become an outpatient. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is definitely on my to-do list.

Changing medication as an inpatient is so much less brutal than doing it at home on your own. Having access to medication I can take when I feel unwell (aka PRN), such as valium and neulactil, has made the ride a lot less bumpier than it has before. PRNs are my new squad. Sorry other friends!

I have been a little retail crazy. I mean Carindale is right across the road, for craps sake. I wanted to make it feel more homely. Trent was hanging with me and he got me a comforter set, which will end up on Ezra's bed, some amazing shoes!!!!, a colouring in book since I left my others at home, and a puzzle. My husbfriend also picked a Squirtle plushy for me to remind me of Ezra. His nickname has been Squirtle for as long as his name has been Ezra.

Last night I had quite a bit of medication for sleep and anxiety. It is fair to say that I was pleasantly off my face. I decided I needed a snack, and the vending machine was in one of the other wings. I walked that hallway about 5 times trying to find the gosh darn thing. How can a vending machine just disappear!?! A nurse came along and informed me that I needed to go through a door to get to it. Oooops. However it was a rookie mistake, right? Since I was on the phone to Trent I thought I'd walk towards the entrance so I wouldn't wake the others. We had a nice chat that ended with "I need to go. I'm falling asleep". Fast forward to this morning at 6am when a burly security guard comes to tell me my wallet was found near the entrance and they needed to check that I didn't escape the hospital. Jinkies!

I should wrap it up and have a shower. Bye, Lovers xxxx

Time for the Freakin' Weekend (I'll drink to that yeah yeah)

Weekends have a whole new meaning when you're in hospital. Therapy stops, therefore your whole routine stops. Suddenly you only have to do the things you choose to do. Which is a bit of a double-edged sword. For those who don't have friends or family to visit, or who don't feel like engaging with the outside world at all, I could imagine it would be a pretty dark couple of days. Thankfully I have the opposite. Although throw a medication change in there, and you have a bit of trouble brewing underneath.

Yesterday I had a couple of visitors. My lovely friend Jess came to pick me up and take me for a cruise around the shopping centre. We got our nails done, drank coffee and looked in clothes shops. I picked up a few of the bits and pieces that I needed, and a few that I didn't need but really wanted. Leggings (to wear as pants), thongs, makeup bag, and some body scrub to try to give my sense of smell a bit of a good time. We laughed lots, avoided committing crimes, and made it back to the hospital only almost an hour later than I said I would. Un/fortunately nobody seemed to notice/care that I wasn't back in time. I know I am a low risk patient, so perhaps that accounts for it?

Later in the afternoon I had a visit from three of my boys. My stepson wasn't feeling well so he stayed behind, however I had Aedin, Ezra and Trent here which was amazing. We went to a little wing place called Lord of the Wings. Ah mah gahd! It was so great. Wings, burgers, poutine, mozzarella sticks. How could you go wrong??? Can't wait for someone to come visit me around dinner time so we can go there again. And to top the night off, when we got back to my room I was able to take my littlest guy in for a shower with me. This is one of our routines that I have missed the most. Afterwards he lay on the bed with me and had a bottle. It was divine. A-Dawg had a great time playing with my Nintendo Switch, drinking the complimentary hot chocolate, and eating as many of the biscuits as he could hahahaha. Gosh I love that kid.

Sunday rolled around before I knew it, and thankfully my roomie woke me to let me know that today was Cooked Breakfast Day. Considering I had missed breakfast the past few mornings I decided I should definitely make a move to score myself some bacon. There are not many more motivating forces stronger than bacon, amirite? Afterwards I worked on doing my laundry and waited for my boys to visit again. This time I had the pleasure of seeing Trent, Ezra and Josh. I grabbed the box of equipment required to play table tennis and we went outside for some fresh air. Ezra had an absolute blast. Apparently people hitting a tiny little plastic ball is HILARIOUS! Ez gives it 10/10. We had a nice afternoon and it was sad having to say goodbye again.

The rest of the afternoon has been pretty ordinary. Anxiety levels have been high. The doc is weaning me off my current medication, which can account for some of it. However it wasn't until I came in here that I realised a lot of the symptoms I've been having have been anxiety. The biggest one being shortness of breath in the absence of exercise. Some moments I find that I just can't seem to catch my breath, no matter how hard I try. Thankfully my psychiatrist had written me up for some valium to take when I feel I need it. Problem is, the more I wean off this medication, the more the anxiety is kicking in. I'm not looking forward to how I will feel the next few days.

Anyway it's almost time for me to go and get my nighttime medications. I've already had my shower and spoilt my senses with some body scrub. I've rubbed some magnesium cream into my sore ankle (I'm doing a magnesium cream experiment as present, which I will talk about soon), and soon I will lay in bed with the lights off, and some Iron Fist on my laptop while I wait for sleep to hit. Sleep seems to be a lot more accommodating now that I am on some different medications. Once I go to sleep, I stay asleep.

Now enough about me, tell me about you. How was your weekend?