The Time Has Come To Say Farewell... Again

Tomorrow I pack up my worries in my own bag and smile. Or at least try to. I have so many feels and not all of them are good. How do I cope out there? What will be different? Will these meds work? I feel like these questions are just spinning around in my mind all day long. I get excited. I cry. I get excited. I cry. I feel dead on the inside. I cry. Blah blah blah.

I've come up with a few coping strategies. Exercise being one of them. Yep, you heard me right. I am going to get myself walking. Much easier now that the sun isn't trying to suffocate me every time I step out the door. I am going to walk, chuck in my earphones, listen to music, and zone out. There is also a thing called a worry box. You can either have a physical or metaphorical worry box. If there is a worry I write it down and put it in the box. It then gets dealt with at a particular time of the day. Say 7pm. The rest of the day I don't worry about those things. They get pushed aside to a time that is more convenient. Apparently most of the time people find that the things they worried about are no longer that important.

My attitude needs to be different to what it was last time. I need to stop being the victim. I need to stop running away. I need to stop catastrophising. That is one of my biggest issues. "If you got  problem, yo I'll make it a thousand times worse!"does not need to be my mantra. I need to learn to breathe deeper and slower and try to remain focused in the moment. Committing to things is important to. I am doing this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy class on Fridays. I need to commit to that. I am also starting a Cert III in Pathology Assistance in July. So I need to commit to that too. These aren't monumental tasks so I am pretty sure that I can do it. I just have to keep myself motivated. Any tips?

Recently I have begun taking Lithium. It's a mood stabiliser and reminds me of the Nirvana song of the same name. Usually I will read the heck out of the medication list, finding out the side effects, etc. To be honest I think that's made me feel worse. Almost in a psychosomatic sense. However what I do know is that it is used to treat the swinging moods of people with bipolar. So since it seems to be having a good affect on me so far the doctor said that it is a possibility that I have Bipolar Affective Disorder. So now I am on so many meds that I can't believe I have much room left for food. And yet I do!

I'm still waiting to see my doctor for the day, which is a bit annoying since I have been waiting since this morning. I understand he is busy, but I am very busy just sitting around and thinking about how shit I am.

It's time to ACT

It's time to ACT and that time is now. Well I say no I mean in 4 hours time. To say I'm a little nervous is an understatement. However as Vincent van Gough once said "what would life be like if we had no courage to attempt anything". So here I am, awake too early. I've been outside to vape, taken some pain meds and have started on my water for the day. All I have to do now is wait for breakfast and my day can really kick off.

I probably should explain what ACT is, for this who don't know. It is an acronym for acceptance and commitment therapy. Put simply it teaches us to accept what is out of our personal control., And commit to action that improves and enriches your life. A very good friend of mine is a psychologist who has discussed ACT with me before. She put me on to a book called The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris. It is a really good starting point if you want to start out.

Yesterday was a bit of an up and down kind of day. I spoke to a facilitator for another program called dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), to see if I would be a good candidate and to put me on a wait list. I had no idea what it even was, but I will get in to that soon. My pain levels are high. If anyone can explain how I can wake with two dead arms when I sleep on my back I would be forever grateful. I went to the meds window to ask for meds only to found out that I am on restricted endone of 2 a day but you can't get any outside of a 24 hour window. GAAAAAAH! Thankfully I have a visitor soon (Husbfriend) and I am looking forward to his face.

Husbfriend will be on his way soon and I cannot wait to see his handsome face. He really is my number one husband. We are going to meet up after I go to the gym and then have a cofee before we see my psychiatrist together. Fingers crossed he doesn't tell Trent to run from me and never look back!

I had mentioned DBT earlier so thought I'd give some info about that. Basically it is a form of therapy for those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder (DBT). IT is a skills based program to assist participants to deal with intense emotions and to manage self harming behaviours. It is pretty bloody hardcore as far as therapy goes. I think the closest class will be in May or June, so we will see.

Home tomorrow. Yippee. The doctor has given me permission to go to home so I can take little man to his swimming lessons and probably do some housework. I also need to plan his little party so that should be exciting.

I probably should get up and get at it. Need to get dressed in my Active Wear. Ciao for now.

It's Today! It's Today!

Well, I made it. I got out the other side of my time at Belmont Private Hospital. There is a mixture of joy and anxiety. Getting home vs leaving the comfort of a controlled environment.

Flowers from my beautiful Nanny's garden xx

Most of my morning was spent saying goodbye. I don't want to tag anyone due to their own privacy, but to the Unicorn Pony Queen I want to say thank you. You opened your heart and your arms, hugging me physically and figuratively. I know that life has dealt you a shitty hand, but you are tough enough to make it through. To my lovely Emerald Technology girl, thank you for being you. Thank you for arting with me, for eating with me, for walking with me, and for letting me in to your world. I'm sorry for the recent heartache you have to endure. Let me know if you need a wing man. Then there has been a lovely gentle, soft, kind-hearted Nina, who I don't have on Facebook so she isn't easily recognisable. I am not sure if you realise how far you have come since I first met you. You are an absolute credit to yourself. You are a fighter underneath that gentle facade. So keep fighting. Lastly thank you you roomie. Not only for being an amazing woman who I am glad to call a friend, but for the invaluable advice and support you offered me, particularly on the early days.

Discharge with my psychiatrist went very well. Just ticked the boxes, planned my appointments and my ACT group that I need to attend after here. It feels good to not be cast adrift, so to speak. The nursing station hadn't given me my discharge paperwork the evening before so that delayed my departure. All it took was a quick scribble with the pen on numerous bits of paper and I was good to go.

It was good to see my big boys as soon as I got home. Debbie Did Queensland which meant the kids were home. So I saw their faces as soon as I got in the door. I did feel missed, I must say. Although nobody made me feel more welcome than my pupper. Renly of House Barkratheon could barely contain himself. It was a battle between the dog and the baby for my attention. My heart swelled with pride. As we speak I have a cat friend chilling next to me, as close as he can get.

Both of our big boys wanted to attend Youth Group this evening. We dropped them off around 6.30pm and grabbed some Thai takeout for a night alone with the bub. I had the best Thai Green curry that I mixed with some extra frozen vegetables to replace the rice. Oh did I mention I've been doing Optifast for 2 meals a day since last Monday and I have already lost 2 kg? I haven't said? Well I have! Yahoo! But I digress. We fed ourselves and the baby. It was delicious and exactly what dinner after a return from 3 weeks in hospital should taste like.

We did set up the bed in Ezra's room to start a new habit. I lay down with him to watch some Brum reruns on Stan, only for me to fall asleep with him. Apparently I was asleep before him!  Not sure how long he will stay asleep before he cracks a shit, but I don't doubt we will figure it out.

I've dumped my nights worth of beds for the evening so I need to get to work closing my eyes. I don't want to half finishing this post and then fade off in to a series of zzzzzzzz. So I will wish you a goodnight from my own bed, while I try to simultaneously fall asleep and anxiously listen out for my baby boy in his own room. Sweet dreams to those of you still awake before reading this.

Love to you all xxx

The Day Before Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day. It is a Friday, but it is also the day I am meant to be going home. I am both excited and anxious, but I'm also nervous about this horrific weather delaying my plans. Thanksfully I have my Squirtle to cuddle and remind me of my baby boy, whose nickname is Squirtle.

As many of you have likely heard, Brisbane is in the midst of some rotten weather. Well actually most of South East QLD and North East NSW. The train is too dangerous to drive in at times, roads are closing due to flooding, and we have to run the gauntlet between Carindale and Ipswich, which is around 40 mind for those who have no idea where these places are. Plus there are sharks on the road, so fuck driving alongside a fricking shark with fricking laser beams.

So lets say I make it home. What's next? Well I see my psychologist on Monday, my ortho spine specialist Monday, my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and then start ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) on Friday I think. There are a whole lot of things to keep me busy during the week, so I am sure I won't have to worry about not being supported after I leave. I am very much looking forward to seeing my big boys, my kitties, and my Renly. I haven't seen much of this lot, so I am desperate for some time with them. Who knows, we might even get to play some Exploding Kittens.

If things don't go to plan, as they sometimes don't, I am able to come back for more intensive therapy. Apparently going home can be a massive anxiety trigger. We live in a pretty controlled environment here. There isn't an abundance of stimulation to make your senses explode. It is all pretty calm. Home, on the other hand, can be complete chaos. Dogs chasing cats, kids not cleaning their rooms, mess, noise, etc etc etc. So not only is there the anxiety that comes from leaving hospital, but there is the anxiety that comes from being in our own daily lives again. When I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday he will assess me and see how I'm going. However readmission is only a phone call away.

The biggest question I've had to ask myself is, where do I go from here? Well I have my ACT group and Psych appts. I want to get to the stage where I have Ezra back home with me out of day care for one day a week so we can go swimming and have fun together. Furthering my education is a big thing for me to pursue, especially considering how many times I've started and failed study due to my self esteem convincing me that I'm totally shithouse. So I am going to work on that in baby steps, starting with an on campus Cert III in something or other. Might as well get an edumacation, right?

Time for me to embrace these medications and go to sleep. I need to put my worries away for another day and see what tomorrow brings.

Lots of love to you all