A Conversation With A Friend

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine named Hayley. She had recently had a stay at Belmont Hospital too so I wanted to discuss her experiences.

A: How did you find your experience there?

H: I think I was more motivated at the beginning than at the end. Like, I kind of got over it at the end. But going in there I was just happy to be doing something to help myself. So I kind of felt good about going in and I felt really good during CBT because it was structured and I felt like part of the group, because we all got to know each other in that group and it was a nice group of people to be with.

A: How long were you in there for in total?

H: I was there for four weeks altogether, and two of them were in CBT. But I found that when CBT finished I felt like I was missing something. I had to do random groups that I wasn’t as interested in and that didn’t help me as much.

A: I found a very similar thing.  You’d get excited about a new course that you think is going to be totally amazing, like creative writing. I went there and I really enjoyed it. So the next time I went I thought it was going to build on that last stuff, but the second course was exactly the same. I think the even told the same jokes. Nothing was different. It felt like a waste of my time, but what else was I going to do with my time, really?

H: I ended up avoiding all of the informational sessions as I’d done it all in CBT anyway and I wasn’t getting anything out of them. I ended up going to the mindfulness colouring in and doing the mandalas and crafts, as it takes your mind off stuff because you’re just focusing on that, which is good.

A: Speaking of which I went for a walk this morning and took my Calm The Fuck Down colouring in book with me to do while I had a coffee. It was lovely. Problem is that I find that with the neuropathic pain in my hand I have about 20 mins of colouring in ahead of me before I’m done.

H: Have you tried the colouring in apps?

A: No but I have tried the Headspace App (give info about headspace app)

A: How did you find it when you went home?

H I don’t think I was too much better or worse. I think there were things I was able to better handle, but there wasn’t a really big improvement or anything.

A: For me, what I was talking to Trent about it being like was it being a massive floodgate being opened and all my emotions coming vomiting out that I hadn’t dealt either properly or at all over the 40 years. And now that I have done that and come home, I don’t know how to close it, I don’t know if I’m supposed to close it. But my emotions are wild. And I was wondering if that was something you’d experienced, if your emotions are more out of control since going home?

H: Not really. One of my problems is that I don’t feel enough emotions. I’ve just repressed it enough that there’s not really any feelings anymore. There is this numb, flat feeling, and that hasn’t changed. That was something I was hoping would change, to be able to have emotions.

A: That’s the shitty thing. The only day group you can go to is CBT and once you’ve done that all you’re left with are the individual sessions, which have usually been covered by CBT or are your arts and crafts, and mindfulness colouring in groups. You leave hospital an come back, and you can’t do any of the outpatient programs while you’re an inpatient.

So if your psychiatrist suggested you go back in as an inpatient again, is that something you’d consider?

H: Yeah I would because I didn’t hate it. It is good to be able to see the psychiatrist every day, and it is good to be away from the real world when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I think I would go back in, but not for as long as for the first time.

A: Do you have a plan to go back in at some point in time in the near future?

H: It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t think I need to. I go through cycles for months and then I have a cycle where I get really bad and I’m not in one of those at the moment. I’m just cruising along. Not feeling too bad, but not feeling too good either. Just kind of existing.

A: Did they give you a diagnosis?

H: They gave me a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, BPD and investigating me for ADHD.

H: People have a view of what a disorder is, or what it should be, and the reality of that si quite different, especially around the hyperactivity part. More about fidgeting, not being able to sit still, as opposed to being manic and uncontrollable.

A: Now you’re doing an outreach program at the moment, is that correct?

H: I’m enrolled for DBT and there are no places in that as yet, so in the interm I’m doing an outreach program which has me seeing a mental health nurse weekly, and then I get a free consult with my psychiatrist. It saves you having to pay big bucks to see your psychiatrist on the regular. DBT is a big commitment as it is 2 days a week for 6 months.

N.B Just as a side note, Hayley has recently returned to Belmont to be monitored for a medication change. Nothing to drastic, but it was worth noting in the context of the discussion.

Aaaaaaaaand We're Back.

On Thursday evening I did something I would never suggest anyone ever do. I attempted to overdose on a fist full of pills. In retrospect it was more an exercise in self-harm. There was no well thought out plan. There was no giving away of my things. There was no note. In a moment of desperation I swallowed a fist full of my pain meds and then decided what a stupid idea that was and immediately notified my husband.

An ambulance was called and within 20 mins or so I was shunted off to the local hospital for observation. The pills I took didn't warrant having my stomach pumped, so that was a good thing. I was under observation for 12 hours and I woke feeling extremely bratty about the fact that my Husbfriend hadn't been there. Later on I found out that he had been there for hours, but I was pretty much incomprehensible by that stage. There was a mere muttering of words and a few brief movements on the bed, but that was about it.

Come Friday morning I was out of the woods and left in a state of extreme drunkenness without the fun of a good few tequila shots with good mates to balance it out. I couldn't walk a straight line. In fact I actually peed on my foot because I couldn't aim on the toilet properly (I don't sit down properly on public toilet seats). Now that I write it down this does sound much like a night out in my early 20s! All jokes aside the hospital contacted Belmont with the request that I be admitted here due to the high risk I was of reoffending, for lack of a better word. There was a lot of discussion between my Husbfriend and my psychiatrist about whether or not I would be admitted or not.

So I was discharged from Ippy hospital around 10am, went home for more sleep, and then was told to be back at Belmont for 2pm. Trying to get me organised was probably akin to getting a belligerent toddler to pack up his toys at bedtime. I was so so so so tired that I found it hard to get my act together to pack my stuff up. Sometime later I had my bag together and we were out the door, making it here somewhere between 2.30pm amd 3pm. Hooray for my time management skills!

My timing was terrible. My doctor left after our appointment and now won't be back until Monday. There are no activities of any value on over the weekend. So I kind of have to find my own way through the weekend. There are nurses here to talk to if I need to, but it isn't the same. Meanwhile I am spending time with another friend who has been admitted, gone for a bit of a walk, did some painting and moped around wondering how the hell I'm going to fix my broken little self.

If you have any tips or tricks, I'd be happy to hear them.

Love and hugs xxx

What TF Is A Personality Disorder?

I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Rather unceremoniously too (no bells, whistles, parades or even a luncheon). My psychologist called my psychiatrist to call about me, considering I was a bit of a suicidal, self harming mess. When she got off the phone she said to me "You didn't tell me that you've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder". WELL THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW!!! But what TF is a personality disorder? How do they come about? What does it mean? Please tell me there is a treatment for it!

Personality disorders aren't as horrific as they first sound. It doesn't mean that you've got a shit personality, or that you are like a malfunctioning robot. No steam is going to come out of your ears and you wont lost a spring or pop rivet. Personality disorders are actual mental disorders that cause suffering. It is basically a long term pattern of behaviour which makes it difficult to function on the daily. I'm hoping it provides me with the perfect excuse for never making my bed ;) But seriously it can make it hard to sustain a job and form a positive relationship in the long term. It can be tricky to recognise that you have a borderline personality disorder, which leads to people not receiving the best kind of care they can get. They go hand in hand with other forms of mental illness, like depression and anxiety, so usually we just try to treat those and feel like we keep failing.

Personality disorders do come in many different packages, so my disorder my not look the same as yours might. There are three main groups of personality disorders. The first group of disorders are usually described as being odd or eccentric. These include paranoid personality disorders, schizoid personality disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder. The next group are for the emotionally unstable, dramatic, and/or impulsive (it's like they know me!!!). These disorders include antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. The third package stores avoidant personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder.

The causes of personality disorders are not well understood. There is a link between genetic factors and early environmental factors. There is no single gene involved in causing someone to develop a personality disorder. However people with personality disorders (particularly those such as borderline personality disorder) do generally come from unstable childhood homes. These homes usually have a high rate of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. It comes from a complex interaction of negative early life experiences and genetic factors, as well as a lack of positive caregiving from one or both parents in early childhood can have a negative impact on personality development.

Personality disorders are next to impossible to manage on their own. If you think you fall in to the category of possibly having a personality disorder then the first step is to go to your local GP, but also jump on the web page for Black Dog Institute, which is an amazing resource. Don't just settle for any old Dr Nick Riviera. Find the one that is right for you. The one that listens and does what needs to be done in partnership with you. They can refer you to a psychiatrist who is able to give you an actual diagnosis, and who will also be able to link you in with a plethora of resources.

One type of therapy are psychotherapy courses, which are meant to provide a better long term solution than medication. These courses include cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapy. These require a commitment as they usually run over a number of sessions. However the information you can get from them is invaluable. They are offered through psychiatrists, or psychologist. Either will be able to help you with each. 

Medication is such an individual thing. I have tried many a form of antidepressant and anti anxiety meds. I'm currently taking Valium and Neulactil for anxiety. The doc has recently started me on Lithium. I don't know a lot about it at the moment as I don't want to read too much in to the negative side effects. Otherwise you can be guaranteed I will freak out about having every single one of them. Just know that the first medication may not work. You may go through ten or so meds until you find the right one. But just stick with it.

Understanding you have, and then acting on your illness is the first step. And it is a bloody big one. If think you may have a personality disorder and you want to do something about it, full props to you,my friend. Without the right help you can continue down a path of a long-term and pervasive pattern of thoughts, emotions and behaviours that cause distress and interfere with your ability to cope with much of what life has to throw at you. There are many ways to cope. It's just a matter of finding the right ones.

Sending love to you all <3