What TF Is A Personality Disorder?

I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Rather unceremoniously too (no bells, whistles, parades or even a luncheon). My psychologist called my psychiatrist to call about me, considering I was a bit of a suicidal, self harming mess. When she got off the phone she said to me "You didn't tell me that you've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder". WELL THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW!!! But what TF is a personality disorder? How do they come about? What does it mean? Please tell me there is a treatment for it!

Personality disorders aren't as horrific as they first sound. It doesn't mean that you've got a shit personality, or that you are like a malfunctioning robot. No steam is going to come out of your ears and you wont lost a spring or pop rivet. Personality disorders are actual mental disorders that cause suffering. It is basically a long term pattern of behaviour which makes it difficult to function on the daily. I'm hoping it provides me with the perfect excuse for never making my bed ;) But seriously it can make it hard to sustain a job and form a positive relationship in the long term. It can be tricky to recognise that you have a borderline personality disorder, which leads to people not receiving the best kind of care they can get. They go hand in hand with other forms of mental illness, like depression and anxiety, so usually we just try to treat those and feel like we keep failing.

Personality disorders do come in many different packages, so my disorder my not look the same as yours might. There are three main groups of personality disorders. The first group of disorders are usually described as being odd or eccentric. These include paranoid personality disorders, schizoid personality disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder. The next group are for the emotionally unstable, dramatic, and/or impulsive (it's like they know me!!!). These disorders include antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. The third package stores avoidant personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder.

The causes of personality disorders are not well understood. There is a link between genetic factors and early environmental factors. There is no single gene involved in causing someone to develop a personality disorder. However people with personality disorders (particularly those such as borderline personality disorder) do generally come from unstable childhood homes. These homes usually have a high rate of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. It comes from a complex interaction of negative early life experiences and genetic factors, as well as a lack of positive caregiving from one or both parents in early childhood can have a negative impact on personality development.

Personality disorders are next to impossible to manage on their own. If you think you fall in to the category of possibly having a personality disorder then the first step is to go to your local GP, but also jump on the web page for Black Dog Institute, which is an amazing resource. Don't just settle for any old Dr Nick Riviera. Find the one that is right for you. The one that listens and does what needs to be done in partnership with you. They can refer you to a psychiatrist who is able to give you an actual diagnosis, and who will also be able to link you in with a plethora of resources.

One type of therapy are psychotherapy courses, which are meant to provide a better long term solution than medication. These courses include cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapy. These require a commitment as they usually run over a number of sessions. However the information you can get from them is invaluable. They are offered through psychiatrists, or psychologist. Either will be able to help you with each. 

Medication is such an individual thing. I have tried many a form of antidepressant and anti anxiety meds. I'm currently taking Valium and Neulactil for anxiety. The doc has recently started me on Lithium. I don't know a lot about it at the moment as I don't want to read too much in to the negative side effects. Otherwise you can be guaranteed I will freak out about having every single one of them. Just know that the first medication may not work. You may go through ten or so meds until you find the right one. But just stick with it.

Understanding you have, and then acting on your illness is the first step. And it is a bloody big one. If think you may have a personality disorder and you want to do something about it, full props to you,my friend. Without the right help you can continue down a path of a long-term and pervasive pattern of thoughts, emotions and behaviours that cause distress and interfere with your ability to cope with much of what life has to throw at you. There are many ways to cope. It's just a matter of finding the right ones.

Sending love to you all <3

A lapse or a relapse?

I'm back in hospital. Things didn't turn out the way I had expected. These things included my health, my brain, my general symptoms and my inability to feel safe at home. I was at a point where I would have hurt myself or run.

On Monday I had an appointment with my ortho spine specialist. Originally anticipated an appointment to discuss my surgery. He looked at my MRI results and figured that surgery would not do nahzhing. So now I'm back where I was 12 months ago with no idea of what's wrong with me, with hands that ache and go numb, often being unusable. I now hove ankles that sting when I walk, and hips that don't lie about how painful they are. So apparently I finally am getting the rheumatologist referral that I asked for months ago.

After absorbing this information about my health and pain I figured that I wasn't too keen on spending possibly the rest of my life like this. I started formulating an "exit plan". I felt really unsafe and anxious. So then I popped Valium and neulactil like they were lollies just to try to chill out. My psych and GP figured I needed hospital. Belmont doesn't do an Emergency section so I would have to go via the public system. So we skipped Ipswich and headed in to Royal Brisbane Hospital.

When ​we arrived they checked me in and quickly whisked the crazy lady out of the waiting room, only to find myself in another waiting room. I waited around 2 hours on my own before they brought food around. What they didn't factor in was the 5 anti-anxiety pills that I had taken just a few hours earlier. I was so damn tied. Needless to say that by the time they night dinner around halfway through the delicious meal of dried silverside with a side of ugly vegetables that were worth of my digestive tract, I fell asleep. My plate slipped and ended up as part of my clothing ensemble. Thankfully black leggings go with EVERYTHING! I asked for a bed but the logos said no. I had to be seen first. When they finally did offer me a bed I felt as welcome as a cold sore on formal night. Their preference was that I spend the night with my family and see my psychiatrist the next day.

Psychiatrist day came. Yippee! Finally I'd get the help I needed to keep me off the proverbial ledge. He pushed for me to stay at home. I told him if he did not admit me I would go to Toowong hospital and ask to be admitted. Finally he relented and here I am, in my own room and everything.

So here I am. With more to write once my hands feel better and it isn't 4am.

Hope you all slept well xxx

This is what depression and anxiety looks like

My day started off relatively well. I'm doing Optifast this week (planning to continue and will post about this some other time) and I start to the food plan. There was a session on called "Managing Your Emotions" which seemed like a really appropriate session for me. We all got seated, I borrowed a pen because I didn't think to take one, and then I got called to my appointment with my psychiatrist. So bang went that crystal set. However the session with my psychiatrist went relatively well and I left feeling pretty good about taking on the day.

At 3pm there was a relaxation session that I wanted to go to for the second time. It is located in this weird little section where you enter on the ground floor, yet somehow you have to go down the lift to get to the other ground floor. I had arrived early because I wanted to make sure I was there on time. Seeing the little kitchen nearby prompted me to go make myself a cup of tea (Madura tea bag, a splash of zymil milk and an Equal to sweeten it). "Wouldn't it be a nice idea to go and have this cup of tea in the sun?" I asked myself. Back to the lift I went and pressed the button to go to the other ground level. However I ended up in the Basement. Fuck knows how that happened. But I could see trees and figured it was as good an exit point as any. Down the drive there was a shady path surrounded in fresh air. Just what I needed! When I had a few minutes before the relaxation class was due to start, I made my way back to the lift. I pressed the button. Nothing happened. I pressed it again. Still nothing. Then I noticed a swipe card thingo there. I could only get in if I had access. So I had to try to find my way back by walking the long way around. Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of success.

Before long I found my brain going down the rabbit hole. It started with "Urgh you're an idiot. You can't even make it to class properly". Followed with "There goes my three sessions a day target. Looks like I've failed again". Then we spiraled in to thinking about all of the times I haven't succeeded or completed something, That I'm useless. That I'm a bad example to my children. That they'd be better off without me. That I should just walk down the hill to Creek Rd (a busy street in Brisbane) and walk in to the middle of the traffic. I transformed into a crying, heaving, puffy eyed mess. Nobody ever said that depression isn't pretty, but not many people show exactly how that looks. I want to change that. Here is me and here is an explanation of how I feel.

My eyes hurt. They feel scratchy, puffy, tight and dry. Crying has a really horrid affect on my eyes. They become these little slits that make it hard to see much in my peripheral. Which isn't really a bad thing since I'm feeling pretty self-centered at the time. Being a glasses wearer increases the level of discomfort. I can't wear my glasses when I'm crying, but I also can't see for shit and therefore my self-loathing only increases. "I'm so useless. I can't even wipe my tears or stop myself from bumping in to things, or find where I've flung my glasses when I needed to find a tissue."

Snot is a part of life. It is there to make us look awkward when someone points out that we have bats in the cave. It runs out of our nose like a tap when we have hay fever and the season changes. It goes green when we have some kind of funky infection. It also clogs up my face as soon as I cry for more than 2 minutes. Before long I'm in a position where I can't breathe through my nose. Unfortunately this makes it really difficult when the nurse comes to try to assist me by telling me to "take a biiiiiiiiig deep breath in through your nose and then sloooooooowly exhale". Ummmmmm I can't even breathe in through my nose AT ALL. So how the feck am I going to do that???

One of the stupidest things that I did in my self hatred moment was clean my lipstick off. Very vigorously. With a dry face washer. All the while I was telling myself how ugly I was and that I shouldn't even bother putting lipstick on in the first place because I'm such an ugly fat beast that makeup only serves to make me look ridiculous. So I hate-cleaned my beautiful Lime Crime lipstick off. Eventually I wet the cloth because I found the dryness wasn't appropriate for actually removing shit. But now here I am, with the shiniest feeling lips in the universe. Shiny, but not in a good way. I need to get some moisture in those buggers any minute now. BRB.

Yeah, now that I think about it I should have done something for my skin while I was off looking after the moisture on my lips. In order to clear up my nose I wet another cloth and then put some drops of  Wide Awake essential oil from Plumeria which I huffed and puffed until I could blow air out of my nose. Now my face feels drier than a you know what. So I think it's time for a shower and a moisturise.

This is the physical side of depression. Well, part of it. Sometimes it is easier. Sometimes it can be much much worse. But this is a pretty good insight.

Love and good wishes to you all, and thanks for the positive feedback so far xx

I'm in Crazytown for another week.

It has been a big couple of days. Some good, some not so good. I've made revelations, changed medications, purchased things, and lost stuff, (which was found by other people). But hilarity ensued so that makes up for it.

CBT has been great. We have discussed saying "No", made a plan around relapsing, discussed self esteem, and identified our strengths. I would definitely say that the self-esteem and strengths lessons were the most confronting. I'm not great at identifying my strengths. Feel free to indulge me by commenting with ideas I could use for what my strengths are. CBT comes to an end tomorrow however I can do a continuation or another day course when I become an outpatient. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is definitely on my to-do list.

Changing medication as an inpatient is so much less brutal than doing it at home on your own. Having access to medication I can take when I feel unwell (aka PRN), such as valium and neulactil, has made the ride a lot less bumpier than it has before. PRNs are my new squad. Sorry other friends!

I have been a little retail crazy. I mean Carindale is right across the road, for craps sake. I wanted to make it feel more homely. Trent was hanging with me and he got me a comforter set, which will end up on Ezra's bed, some amazing shoes!!!!, a colouring in book since I left my others at home, and a puzzle. My husbfriend also picked a Squirtle plushy for me to remind me of Ezra. His nickname has been Squirtle for as long as his name has been Ezra.

Last night I had quite a bit of medication for sleep and anxiety. It is fair to say that I was pleasantly off my face. I decided I needed a snack, and the vending machine was in one of the other wings. I walked that hallway about 5 times trying to find the gosh darn thing. How can a vending machine just disappear!?! A nurse came along and informed me that I needed to go through a door to get to it. Oooops. However it was a rookie mistake, right? Since I was on the phone to Trent I thought I'd walk towards the entrance so I wouldn't wake the others. We had a nice chat that ended with "I need to go. I'm falling asleep". Fast forward to this morning at 6am when a burly security guard comes to tell me my wallet was found near the entrance and they needed to check that I didn't escape the hospital. Jinkies!

I should wrap it up and have a shower. Bye, Lovers xxxx

Medication Change Fun

I've been in the process of changing my antidepressant medication. I've been taking Prozac, however in the past I have had Lexapro, Cipramil, Cymbalta, Zoloft, and Effexor. Today I started Pristiq after a few days of weaning off the Prozac. Fingers crossed I have a better result with this one. Apparently it is a new medication (only about 5 years old) so there is a good chance they have learnt from previous mistakes when it comes to making meds.

Anyway, today I had my first dose. I also had my usual pain medications (Lyrica and Targin), with a side of endone and valium. Breakfast was almost like some kind of chemical degustation. I had slept through breakfast so I had no actual food in my tummy. Well provided you don't count the single serve box of Coco Pops that I ate while watching Iron Fist on Netflix last night.

This morning I had my CBT session which started out great. As the minutes ticked by I found that the coffee wasn't doing its job. Slowly but surely my eyes began dripping and I found it hard to keep them open. My facilitator agreed that I should come back to bed. Which is where I am now, typing all of this with my left eye closed. I think now is the time for me to close the other. But not without sharing a pic of how exhausted I look because I think it is kinda funny.

Love and stuff to you all xxx