***TRIGGER WARNING***
No. Tonight I'm not ok. My insides hurt, my brain hurts, my heart hurts, my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my everything hurts. My brain hurts the most. Followed by my heart.
My brain hurts because I know the way I act, or overreact comes from a shitty place. But I don't know how to get past it. It keeps ruining relationships for me. It stops me from being happy. It stops me from achieving everything I could possibly have ever achieved.
My heart hurts because it really is still just little Allison. That young girl who learns how to walk on eggshells and to try to not do/say the wrong thing least we released the dragon in my father. Sometimes if we gave him nothing to be angry about he would go looking for it. He would always find it in my bedroom. Clothes shoved under the bed, desk drawer cluttered and not messy. The clothes in my wardrobe may be on the floor of the wardrobe instead. Then the kraken would come cracking. He didn't just use psychological violence. Physical violence was his speciality. The amount of fractures my poor mother suffered are innumerable. Not to me room the territory anguish wondering whether tonight would be the night. And if it was my sister and I would argue about whose turn it was to get in the middle of them.
My skin, bones and everything hurts because of my stupid undiagnosed illness. I keep losing feeling in my fingers in both hands. The almost burning pain I feel down my spine. The fact that I now often poop my pants unknowingly. Like fucking hell. Haven't we got enough here???
So after having an argument with Trent I jumped in to the car wondering if I would just drive in to something or if I would just go back home. After a call from my eldest asking me where I've gone and when I'll be home, I think I will go home.
My heart hurts for you. I hate being able to say this, but I know this journey. I had an abusive father. For as long as I can remember he was.abusive towards my mother, being the eldest I would lock my siblings in a room at the end of the house with music playing loud then I would go and get in The middle of them to stop them. There were many nights I resorted to taking The kids outside in the middle of the night and lock us in the shed with The key left in the door so no one could unlock it. The first time I remember him being physical towards myself I was 3 years old. It became a daily occurance, hitting whipping strangling. Broken bones bruises and cuts. At 9 sexual abuse started. At 16 financial. This pbysical abuse continued for over a decade. My parents split 10 years after the first.incident. I was forced to have weekend visists with him for 2 years then he was granted full custody when I was 15. 3 months before I turned 18 I found out I was pregnant and I fled (snuck my stuff out over 3 days. Stayed at a friend's place that 323rd night went back home packed my final bag said I'm leaving and ran out the door.
ReplyDeleteThe ONLY reason I stayed betweEN him getting custody and when I fled was that I have 3 younger siblings. For as long as I was there I was the one being abused not them. I could protect them. I'm now 21. I suffer from borderline personality disorder, severe PTSD (i also now have PTSD surrounding my health and hospitals and surgeries) severe anxiety and severe MDD, I have been a self harmed since I was 12, requiring a large number of stitches many times and suicidal thoughts/intentions.I have had a number of attempts a few landing me in ICU 3 almost being successful. Its been 12 months since my last attempt but I still get the thoughts and urges. I still struggle and to keep breathing is a fight most days. I see your strength. Your bracery, your resilience. I see you fighting and trying and doing the best you can. I see you struggling. But all of that is okay. It is okay to fall into a heap. It is okay to admit that.some days are just too much. Keep fighting, take it day by day. When the.mere thought of day to day is too much to bare, take it minute by minute I'm sorry that's such a novel. What.I am trying to get at is that you're not alone. And that if you need a friendly shoulder/ear I'm a message away -Lauren D
What you went through sounds horrendous! I'm so sorry that life through that shit at you. We don't deserve what we are diahed out at such a young age. And it particularly sucks that we end up bearing the brunt of it when we are older and trying to function on our own.
DeleteI'm glad you're still around, regardless of how tough it has been. Thank you for sharing Lauren D ❤️
Thank you. I can't put in words how horrendous it is. On top of the mental health issues I mentioned above, with my PTSD comes flash backs ( as I'm sure you've experienced) generally a flash back is triggered by something,during the day I'll have them from triggers (raises voices, anything loud- my house mate dropped her heavy shopping bag on the floor today and the bang caused one, also being hot of the house is a constant trigger)
DeleteBut I have them during my sleep. I have chronic insomnia, I'm often kept awake because of my debilitating chronic pain. I only sleep in 20-30 minute blocks before I'm woken then it takes between 1.5 and 3 hours to get back to sleep. That time im asleep I have nightmarea, only their flash backs I'll literally have a nightmare reliving a certain blow up. I'll wake up sweating and crying and often screaming. Every aspect of my life is affected. I dont trust. I'm very withdraw my walls are so high, relationships. The list goes on. I know that I'm only 3 years out so it's early days but it was just effecting me in the moment. It has life long repercussions ( including the mental health conditions themaelves)
Oh geez. Flashbacks while you try to sleep sound positively evil. I'm so sorry that you've had to experience this too. Life shouldn't be like that.
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