A Conversation With A Friend

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine named Hayley. She had recently had a stay at Belmont Hospital too so I wanted to discuss her experiences.

A: How did you find your experience there?

H: I think I was more motivated at the beginning than at the end. Like, I kind of got over it at the end. But going in there I was just happy to be doing something to help myself. So I kind of felt good about going in and I felt really good during CBT because it was structured and I felt like part of the group, because we all got to know each other in that group and it was a nice group of people to be with.

A: How long were you in there for in total?

H: I was there for four weeks altogether, and two of them were in CBT. But I found that when CBT finished I felt like I was missing something. I had to do random groups that I wasn’t as interested in and that didn’t help me as much.

A: I found a very similar thing.  You’d get excited about a new course that you think is going to be totally amazing, like creative writing. I went there and I really enjoyed it. So the next time I went I thought it was going to build on that last stuff, but the second course was exactly the same. I think the even told the same jokes. Nothing was different. It felt like a waste of my time, but what else was I going to do with my time, really?

H: I ended up avoiding all of the informational sessions as I’d done it all in CBT anyway and I wasn’t getting anything out of them. I ended up going to the mindfulness colouring in and doing the mandalas and crafts, as it takes your mind off stuff because you’re just focusing on that, which is good.

A: Speaking of which I went for a walk this morning and took my Calm The Fuck Down colouring in book with me to do while I had a coffee. It was lovely. Problem is that I find that with the neuropathic pain in my hand I have about 20 mins of colouring in ahead of me before I’m done.

H: Have you tried the colouring in apps?

A: No but I have tried the Headspace App (give info about headspace app)

A: How did you find it when you went home?

H I don’t think I was too much better or worse. I think there were things I was able to better handle, but there wasn’t a really big improvement or anything.

A: For me, what I was talking to Trent about it being like was it being a massive floodgate being opened and all my emotions coming vomiting out that I hadn’t dealt either properly or at all over the 40 years. And now that I have done that and come home, I don’t know how to close it, I don’t know if I’m supposed to close it. But my emotions are wild. And I was wondering if that was something you’d experienced, if your emotions are more out of control since going home?

H: Not really. One of my problems is that I don’t feel enough emotions. I’ve just repressed it enough that there’s not really any feelings anymore. There is this numb, flat feeling, and that hasn’t changed. That was something I was hoping would change, to be able to have emotions.

A: That’s the shitty thing. The only day group you can go to is CBT and once you’ve done that all you’re left with are the individual sessions, which have usually been covered by CBT or are your arts and crafts, and mindfulness colouring in groups. You leave hospital an come back, and you can’t do any of the outpatient programs while you’re an inpatient.

So if your psychiatrist suggested you go back in as an inpatient again, is that something you’d consider?

H: Yeah I would because I didn’t hate it. It is good to be able to see the psychiatrist every day, and it is good to be away from the real world when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I think I would go back in, but not for as long as for the first time.

A: Do you have a plan to go back in at some point in time in the near future?

H: It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t think I need to. I go through cycles for months and then I have a cycle where I get really bad and I’m not in one of those at the moment. I’m just cruising along. Not feeling too bad, but not feeling too good either. Just kind of existing.

A: Did they give you a diagnosis?

H: They gave me a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, BPD and investigating me for ADHD.

H: People have a view of what a disorder is, or what it should be, and the reality of that si quite different, especially around the hyperactivity part. More about fidgeting, not being able to sit still, as opposed to being manic and uncontrollable.

A: Now you’re doing an outreach program at the moment, is that correct?

H: I’m enrolled for DBT and there are no places in that as yet, so in the interm I’m doing an outreach program which has me seeing a mental health nurse weekly, and then I get a free consult with my psychiatrist. It saves you having to pay big bucks to see your psychiatrist on the regular. DBT is a big commitment as it is 2 days a week for 6 months.

N.B Just as a side note, Hayley has recently returned to Belmont to be monitored for a medication change. Nothing to drastic, but it was worth noting in the context of the discussion.