Radio Silence

My apologies for the radio silence. There has been a lot going on around here lately. Some good, some not so good. Family stuff has had me down down down, however for the purposes of privacy I will not be discussing this on my blog post. However, I will say that it has been hard and cruel, and I wouldn't wish any of this shit on anyone. So now let's focus on the good!

I received a last minute call to join the DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) group at Belmont Hospital which started on Tuesday just gone. This came as a massive shock as I was expecting it to be a few months away. It appears that they enrol new people at the beginning of each unit of study. Some people finish, some people begin. Apparently they had someone pull out at the last minute and since I had an open availability they got me in straight up. It's a course that is supposedly really good for people who have borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. If I work hard and practice I should find that I get a lot out of it with regards to the way I handle my emotions and how I cope in certain situations. Cross your fingers for me!

This week has been my second week with a singing teacher. I haven't worked with a professional for decades! It has been so much fun doing warm ups, scales, etc. My teacher is actually a music director at a community theatre company, and thinks it is something I should audition for. To say I am excited by this is definitely an understatement. I've always wanted to get involved in community theatre, but my situation as a single parent made that kind of difficult. Thankfully having a supportive husbfriend will make it much easier for me to do this. One of the productions he wants me to consider auditioning for is The Wedding Singer - The Broadway Musical. Yep, The Wedding Singer. As in the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie. One of my fricking favourites!!!!

Other than that I have just been working hard at keeping my head above water, both physically and emotionally. My chronic pain issues are unrelenting, If I do anything with my hands for more than half an hour they end up with pins and needles that, like Kim Kardashian's booty, just don't quit. This is putting a serious dent into my Mario Kart time. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in July, but am on the cancellation list so I could possibly get in to see him sooner. I'll try to cross my own fingers for that, but I'm not making any promises.

Holiday time is coming very quickly for my baby and I. We are headed down to the NSW South Coast in August to spend some time with my mum. It's only a quick 10 day trip, and my priority is to see my mum. However, I may arrange a get together at one location and those who can make it are welcome to turn up. It's really hard rally racing around to see everyone that I want to see in such a short amount of time. I will make all arrangements around this on my personal facebook page as August creeps closer.

Dinner is ready, so I'm off to eat my husbfriend's creation and watch The Wedding Singer xx

Aaaaaaaaand We're Back.

On Thursday evening I did something I would never suggest anyone ever do. I attempted to overdose on a fist full of pills. In retrospect it was more an exercise in self-harm. There was no well thought out plan. There was no giving away of my things. There was no note. In a moment of desperation I swallowed a fist full of my pain meds and then decided what a stupid idea that was and immediately notified my husband.

An ambulance was called and within 20 mins or so I was shunted off to the local hospital for observation. The pills I took didn't warrant having my stomach pumped, so that was a good thing. I was under observation for 12 hours and I woke feeling extremely bratty about the fact that my Husbfriend hadn't been there. Later on I found out that he had been there for hours, but I was pretty much incomprehensible by that stage. There was a mere muttering of words and a few brief movements on the bed, but that was about it.

Come Friday morning I was out of the woods and left in a state of extreme drunkenness without the fun of a good few tequila shots with good mates to balance it out. I couldn't walk a straight line. In fact I actually peed on my foot because I couldn't aim on the toilet properly (I don't sit down properly on public toilet seats). Now that I write it down this does sound much like a night out in my early 20s! All jokes aside the hospital contacted Belmont with the request that I be admitted here due to the high risk I was of reoffending, for lack of a better word. There was a lot of discussion between my Husbfriend and my psychiatrist about whether or not I would be admitted or not.

So I was discharged from Ippy hospital around 10am, went home for more sleep, and then was told to be back at Belmont for 2pm. Trying to get me organised was probably akin to getting a belligerent toddler to pack up his toys at bedtime. I was so so so so tired that I found it hard to get my act together to pack my stuff up. Sometime later I had my bag together and we were out the door, making it here somewhere between 2.30pm amd 3pm. Hooray for my time management skills!

My timing was terrible. My doctor left after our appointment and now won't be back until Monday. There are no activities of any value on over the weekend. So I kind of have to find my own way through the weekend. There are nurses here to talk to if I need to, but it isn't the same. Meanwhile I am spending time with another friend who has been admitted, gone for a bit of a walk, did some painting and moped around wondering how the hell I'm going to fix my broken little self.

If you have any tips or tricks, I'd be happy to hear them.

Love and hugs xxx

It's time to ACT

It's time to ACT and that time is now. Well I say no I mean in 4 hours time. To say I'm a little nervous is an understatement. However as Vincent van Gough once said "what would life be like if we had no courage to attempt anything". So here I am, awake too early. I've been outside to vape, taken some pain meds and have started on my water for the day. All I have to do now is wait for breakfast and my day can really kick off.

I probably should explain what ACT is, for this who don't know. It is an acronym for acceptance and commitment therapy. Put simply it teaches us to accept what is out of our personal control., And commit to action that improves and enriches your life. A very good friend of mine is a psychologist who has discussed ACT with me before. She put me on to a book called The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris. It is a really good starting point if you want to start out.

Yesterday was a bit of an up and down kind of day. I spoke to a facilitator for another program called dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), to see if I would be a good candidate and to put me on a wait list. I had no idea what it even was, but I will get in to that soon. My pain levels are high. If anyone can explain how I can wake with two dead arms when I sleep on my back I would be forever grateful. I went to the meds window to ask for meds only to found out that I am on restricted endone of 2 a day but you can't get any outside of a 24 hour window. GAAAAAAH! Thankfully I have a visitor soon (Husbfriend) and I am looking forward to his face.

Husbfriend will be on his way soon and I cannot wait to see his handsome face. He really is my number one husband. We are going to meet up after I go to the gym and then have a cofee before we see my psychiatrist together. Fingers crossed he doesn't tell Trent to run from me and never look back!

I had mentioned DBT earlier so thought I'd give some info about that. Basically it is a form of therapy for those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder (DBT). IT is a skills based program to assist participants to deal with intense emotions and to manage self harming behaviours. It is pretty bloody hardcore as far as therapy goes. I think the closest class will be in May or June, so we will see.

Home tomorrow. Yippee. The doctor has given me permission to go to home so I can take little man to his swimming lessons and probably do some housework. I also need to plan his little party so that should be exciting.

I probably should get up and get at it. Need to get dressed in my Active Wear. Ciao for now.

A lapse or a relapse?

I'm back in hospital. Things didn't turn out the way I had expected. These things included my health, my brain, my general symptoms and my inability to feel safe at home. I was at a point where I would have hurt myself or run.

On Monday I had an appointment with my ortho spine specialist. Originally anticipated an appointment to discuss my surgery. He looked at my MRI results and figured that surgery would not do nahzhing. So now I'm back where I was 12 months ago with no idea of what's wrong with me, with hands that ache and go numb, often being unusable. I now hove ankles that sting when I walk, and hips that don't lie about how painful they are. So apparently I finally am getting the rheumatologist referral that I asked for months ago.

After absorbing this information about my health and pain I figured that I wasn't too keen on spending possibly the rest of my life like this. I started formulating an "exit plan". I felt really unsafe and anxious. So then I popped Valium and neulactil like they were lollies just to try to chill out. My psych and GP figured I needed hospital. Belmont doesn't do an Emergency section so I would have to go via the public system. So we skipped Ipswich and headed in to Royal Brisbane Hospital.

When ​we arrived they checked me in and quickly whisked the crazy lady out of the waiting room, only to find myself in another waiting room. I waited around 2 hours on my own before they brought food around. What they didn't factor in was the 5 anti-anxiety pills that I had taken just a few hours earlier. I was so damn tied. Needless to say that by the time they night dinner around halfway through the delicious meal of dried silverside with a side of ugly vegetables that were worth of my digestive tract, I fell asleep. My plate slipped and ended up as part of my clothing ensemble. Thankfully black leggings go with EVERYTHING! I asked for a bed but the logos said no. I had to be seen first. When they finally did offer me a bed I felt as welcome as a cold sore on formal night. Their preference was that I spend the night with my family and see my psychiatrist the next day.

Psychiatrist day came. Yippee! Finally I'd get the help I needed to keep me off the proverbial ledge. He pushed for me to stay at home. I told him if he did not admit me I would go to Toowong hospital and ask to be admitted. Finally he relented and here I am, in my own room and everything.

So here I am. With more to write once my hands feel better and it isn't 4am.

Hope you all slept well xxx

Trigger Warning About Suicidal Thoughts

Hello you sweet readers. I may have to go a little quiet for a bit. See, I'm not doing so well. After a diagnosis from a doctor relating to my pain not being treatable, I have been thinking that life really isn't worth living like this for another 40 or so years. It is not a fun thought to have but sometimes you get to a point where you stop caring.

I have been told that surgery isn't likely to help me long term. The idea of driving into the concrete divider, or drink wine and down a few boxes of opiates became something of a viable option. So I saw my psych with Husbfriend in tow and we decided hospital was the go. We called around to find my options and, well, there aren't many good ones.

First of all, I'm still waiting to hear back from Belmont. Both my psychiatrist and the admissions desk. Second option was for me to go to Ipswich Hospital. I've been there for mental​health issues before and they treated me like and amoeba on a flea on a rat. Fuck that again. So our third option is to drive in to the city to the RBWH, and pretend that I had my mental break on there. They should admit me as a public patient and then move me off to Belmont within 24hours. Fingers crossed.

Problem is, dear reader, I will loose access to technology for a spell. So if I don't post, don't despair. If anything serious occurs, Trent can inform you.

Otherwise, see you on the flip side. Sunny side up.

Nightmares Are Balls

OK seriously. Why on earth does our brain give us nightmares? How is there possibly any reasonable explanation for why we wake up in tears, having relived a trauma from our past. Especially after yesterday was rough enough as it is, thanks to a potential bad reaction to my new meds. Although the awesome group sessions I attended and shopping trip with Husbfriend made it totally worth it.

Just a few minutes ago I woke to find my heart racing and my eyes watering. I can recall dreaming about some past trauma, my subconscious playing on my insecurities. I'm not good enough, I'm an easy target, I'm overreactive, it's funny to see me get upset. So now my brain is racing and I can't sleep. Should I go and get something to make me sleep and miss out on my morning gym session? Or do I hold out and save my PRN (anti anxiety meds) for later in the day since I always run short? Decisions, decisions.

Speaking of medication, as I've mentioned previously I have started a new med called Pristiq. I woke fine yesterday morning, however when Husbfriend arrived and took me shopping I found myself very overstimulated by the lights, sounds and movement there. My vision was a bit sparkly (as in things looked like they were sprinkled with glitter), and I felt very agitated. My speech was quite scattered and I found it really hard to focus, jumping from conversation to conversation without finishing the last. Definitely wasn't the best I've ever felt. Not even close.

On the topic of shopping, I did manage to pick up some amazing​ things, courtesy of a tax adjustment working out in my favour.  I got myself a swag of stuff at Daiso, which is an amazing Japanese store filled with items that are only $2.80 unless otherwise marked. I filled my basket with an assortment of goodies, freaking out that I would have spent close to $100+ dollars. Worked out I only spent $40. THIS PLACE IS AMAZING! I also went and got my other nostril pierced to match the other side. Believe I or not I got it to help with a compulsion I have. Hopefully it works!

Groups are part of our every day life here. As a general rule you should attend 3 sessions a day. Today I only managed two as I had also gone for a walk around the grounds for 30 mins as exercise.. One of them was a relaxation session (which helped my wired brain) and the other was a creative writing session. I loved it! Got my mind to head off in a more creative and mindful direction. Well not entirely long term. But it did help for the short term.

I should probably attempt this sleep thing. I feel wiped out after succumbing to PRN. I wish you all a wonderful day ❤️