Just Get Over It

It's the motto of the people. Just Get Over It. Because a mental illness isn't really an illness. You don't need to diagnose it, or treat it, or beat it. You just need to Just Get Over It.

So many people love to regale me with stories about how they had a hard time after a break up and then they just got over it. They just decided that they weren't going to be sad about it anymore. So they just put their problems away and got on with their life. Hooray!

Unfortunately mental illness isn't like that. It manifests over time. It builds and builds and builds, slowly infecting the rest of your life like the fucking parasite that it is. For me it started as a few years at school, not knowing what your crying about. Moving on to hurting myself with a number of tools. When I reached drinking age it became a new way of hurting myself. Drink til I'm sick. Behave in ways that weren't very kind to myself. My dignity took a battering. I stopped feel proud of myself.

Over the years I have tried to fight it. I have tried to Just Get Over It. It hasn't worked. In fact, I think it has made it even worse. The anxiety grew and grew. The sadness and emptiness deepened. The self hatred got stronger.

Through all of this I have come to realise that I can't beat this. Instead of trying to Just Get Over It I need to treat it. In order to treat it, I need to accept it. Accept that I am going to be anxious. Accept that we are going to get depressed. Accept that we are worthy

A Conversation With A Friend

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine named Hayley. She had recently had a stay at Belmont Hospital too so I wanted to discuss her experiences.

A: How did you find your experience there?

H: I think I was more motivated at the beginning than at the end. Like, I kind of got over it at the end. But going in there I was just happy to be doing something to help myself. So I kind of felt good about going in and I felt really good during CBT because it was structured and I felt like part of the group, because we all got to know each other in that group and it was a nice group of people to be with.

A: How long were you in there for in total?

H: I was there for four weeks altogether, and two of them were in CBT. But I found that when CBT finished I felt like I was missing something. I had to do random groups that I wasn’t as interested in and that didn’t help me as much.

A: I found a very similar thing.  You’d get excited about a new course that you think is going to be totally amazing, like creative writing. I went there and I really enjoyed it. So the next time I went I thought it was going to build on that last stuff, but the second course was exactly the same. I think the even told the same jokes. Nothing was different. It felt like a waste of my time, but what else was I going to do with my time, really?

H: I ended up avoiding all of the informational sessions as I’d done it all in CBT anyway and I wasn’t getting anything out of them. I ended up going to the mindfulness colouring in and doing the mandalas and crafts, as it takes your mind off stuff because you’re just focusing on that, which is good.

A: Speaking of which I went for a walk this morning and took my Calm The Fuck Down colouring in book with me to do while I had a coffee. It was lovely. Problem is that I find that with the neuropathic pain in my hand I have about 20 mins of colouring in ahead of me before I’m done.

H: Have you tried the colouring in apps?

A: No but I have tried the Headspace App (give info about headspace app)

A: How did you find it when you went home?

H I don’t think I was too much better or worse. I think there were things I was able to better handle, but there wasn’t a really big improvement or anything.

A: For me, what I was talking to Trent about it being like was it being a massive floodgate being opened and all my emotions coming vomiting out that I hadn’t dealt either properly or at all over the 40 years. And now that I have done that and come home, I don’t know how to close it, I don’t know if I’m supposed to close it. But my emotions are wild. And I was wondering if that was something you’d experienced, if your emotions are more out of control since going home?

H: Not really. One of my problems is that I don’t feel enough emotions. I’ve just repressed it enough that there’s not really any feelings anymore. There is this numb, flat feeling, and that hasn’t changed. That was something I was hoping would change, to be able to have emotions.

A: That’s the shitty thing. The only day group you can go to is CBT and once you’ve done that all you’re left with are the individual sessions, which have usually been covered by CBT or are your arts and crafts, and mindfulness colouring in groups. You leave hospital an come back, and you can’t do any of the outpatient programs while you’re an inpatient.

So if your psychiatrist suggested you go back in as an inpatient again, is that something you’d consider?

H: Yeah I would because I didn’t hate it. It is good to be able to see the psychiatrist every day, and it is good to be away from the real world when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I think I would go back in, but not for as long as for the first time.

A: Do you have a plan to go back in at some point in time in the near future?

H: It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t think I need to. I go through cycles for months and then I have a cycle where I get really bad and I’m not in one of those at the moment. I’m just cruising along. Not feeling too bad, but not feeling too good either. Just kind of existing.

A: Did they give you a diagnosis?

H: They gave me a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, BPD and investigating me for ADHD.

H: People have a view of what a disorder is, or what it should be, and the reality of that si quite different, especially around the hyperactivity part. More about fidgeting, not being able to sit still, as opposed to being manic and uncontrollable.

A: Now you’re doing an outreach program at the moment, is that correct?

H: I’m enrolled for DBT and there are no places in that as yet, so in the interm I’m doing an outreach program which has me seeing a mental health nurse weekly, and then I get a free consult with my psychiatrist. It saves you having to pay big bucks to see your psychiatrist on the regular. DBT is a big commitment as it is 2 days a week for 6 months.

N.B Just as a side note, Hayley has recently returned to Belmont to be monitored for a medication change. Nothing to drastic, but it was worth noting in the context of the discussion.

Are You OK?

***TRIGGER WARNING***

No. Tonight I'm not ok. My insides hurt, my brain hurts, my heart hurts, my skin hurts, my bones hurt, my everything hurts. My brain hurts the most. Followed by my heart.

My brain hurts because I know the way I act, or overreact comes from a shitty place. But I don't know how to get past it. It keeps ruining relationships for me. It stops me from being happy. It stops me from achieving everything I could possibly have ever achieved.

My heart hurts because it really is still just little Allison. That young girl who learns how to walk on eggshells and to try to not do/say the wrong thing least we released the dragon in my father. Sometimes if we gave him nothing to be angry about he would go looking for it. He would always find it in my bedroom. Clothes shoved under the bed, desk drawer cluttered and not messy. The clothes in my wardrobe may be on the floor of the wardrobe instead. Then the kraken would come cracking. He didn't just use psychological violence. Physical violence was his speciality. The amount of fractures my poor mother suffered are innumerable. Not to me room the territory anguish wondering whether tonight would be the night. And if it was my sister and​ I would argue about whose turn it was to get in the middle of them.

My skin, bones and everything hurts because of my stupid undiagnosed illness. I keep losing feeling in my fingers in both hands. The almost burning pain I feel down my spine. The fact that I now often poop my pants unknowingly. Like fucking hell. Haven't we got enough here???

So after having an argument with Trent I jumped in to the car wondering if I would just drive in to something or if I would just go back home. After a call from my eldest asking me where I've gone and when I'll be home, I think I will go home.

The Time Has Come To Say Farewell... Again

Tomorrow I pack up my worries in my own bag and smile. Or at least try to. I have so many feels and not all of them are good. How do I cope out there? What will be different? Will these meds work? I feel like these questions are just spinning around in my mind all day long. I get excited. I cry. I get excited. I cry. I feel dead on the inside. I cry. Blah blah blah.

I've come up with a few coping strategies. Exercise being one of them. Yep, you heard me right. I am going to get myself walking. Much easier now that the sun isn't trying to suffocate me every time I step out the door. I am going to walk, chuck in my earphones, listen to music, and zone out. There is also a thing called a worry box. You can either have a physical or metaphorical worry box. If there is a worry I write it down and put it in the box. It then gets dealt with at a particular time of the day. Say 7pm. The rest of the day I don't worry about those things. They get pushed aside to a time that is more convenient. Apparently most of the time people find that the things they worried about are no longer that important.

My attitude needs to be different to what it was last time. I need to stop being the victim. I need to stop running away. I need to stop catastrophising. That is one of my biggest issues. "If you got  problem, yo I'll make it a thousand times worse!"does not need to be my mantra. I need to learn to breathe deeper and slower and try to remain focused in the moment. Committing to things is important to. I am doing this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy class on Fridays. I need to commit to that. I am also starting a Cert III in Pathology Assistance in July. So I need to commit to that too. These aren't monumental tasks so I am pretty sure that I can do it. I just have to keep myself motivated. Any tips?

Recently I have begun taking Lithium. It's a mood stabiliser and reminds me of the Nirvana song of the same name. Usually I will read the heck out of the medication list, finding out the side effects, etc. To be honest I think that's made me feel worse. Almost in a psychosomatic sense. However what I do know is that it is used to treat the swinging moods of people with bipolar. So since it seems to be having a good affect on me so far the doctor said that it is a possibility that I have Bipolar Affective Disorder. So now I am on so many meds that I can't believe I have much room left for food. And yet I do!

I'm still waiting to see my doctor for the day, which is a bit annoying since I have been waiting since this morning. I understand he is busy, but I am very busy just sitting around and thinking about how shit I am.

What TF Is A Personality Disorder?

I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Rather unceremoniously too (no bells, whistles, parades or even a luncheon). My psychologist called my psychiatrist to call about me, considering I was a bit of a suicidal, self harming mess. When she got off the phone she said to me "You didn't tell me that you've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder". WELL THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW!!! But what TF is a personality disorder? How do they come about? What does it mean? Please tell me there is a treatment for it!

Personality disorders aren't as horrific as they first sound. It doesn't mean that you've got a shit personality, or that you are like a malfunctioning robot. No steam is going to come out of your ears and you wont lost a spring or pop rivet. Personality disorders are actual mental disorders that cause suffering. It is basically a long term pattern of behaviour which makes it difficult to function on the daily. I'm hoping it provides me with the perfect excuse for never making my bed ;) But seriously it can make it hard to sustain a job and form a positive relationship in the long term. It can be tricky to recognise that you have a borderline personality disorder, which leads to people not receiving the best kind of care they can get. They go hand in hand with other forms of mental illness, like depression and anxiety, so usually we just try to treat those and feel like we keep failing.

Personality disorders do come in many different packages, so my disorder my not look the same as yours might. There are three main groups of personality disorders. The first group of disorders are usually described as being odd or eccentric. These include paranoid personality disorders, schizoid personality disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder. The next group are for the emotionally unstable, dramatic, and/or impulsive (it's like they know me!!!). These disorders include antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. The third package stores avoidant personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder.

The causes of personality disorders are not well understood. There is a link between genetic factors and early environmental factors. There is no single gene involved in causing someone to develop a personality disorder. However people with personality disorders (particularly those such as borderline personality disorder) do generally come from unstable childhood homes. These homes usually have a high rate of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. It comes from a complex interaction of negative early life experiences and genetic factors, as well as a lack of positive caregiving from one or both parents in early childhood can have a negative impact on personality development.

Personality disorders are next to impossible to manage on their own. If you think you fall in to the category of possibly having a personality disorder then the first step is to go to your local GP, but also jump on the web page for Black Dog Institute, which is an amazing resource. Don't just settle for any old Dr Nick Riviera. Find the one that is right for you. The one that listens and does what needs to be done in partnership with you. They can refer you to a psychiatrist who is able to give you an actual diagnosis, and who will also be able to link you in with a plethora of resources.

One type of therapy are psychotherapy courses, which are meant to provide a better long term solution than medication. These courses include cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapy. These require a commitment as they usually run over a number of sessions. However the information you can get from them is invaluable. They are offered through psychiatrists, or psychologist. Either will be able to help you with each. 

Medication is such an individual thing. I have tried many a form of antidepressant and anti anxiety meds. I'm currently taking Valium and Neulactil for anxiety. The doc has recently started me on Lithium. I don't know a lot about it at the moment as I don't want to read too much in to the negative side effects. Otherwise you can be guaranteed I will freak out about having every single one of them. Just know that the first medication may not work. You may go through ten or so meds until you find the right one. But just stick with it.

Understanding you have, and then acting on your illness is the first step. And it is a bloody big one. If think you may have a personality disorder and you want to do something about it, full props to you,my friend. Without the right help you can continue down a path of a long-term and pervasive pattern of thoughts, emotions and behaviours that cause distress and interfere with your ability to cope with much of what life has to throw at you. There are many ways to cope. It's just a matter of finding the right ones.

Sending love to you all <3