Radio Silence

My apologies for the radio silence. There has been a lot going on around here lately. Some good, some not so good. Family stuff has had me down down down, however for the purposes of privacy I will not be discussing this on my blog post. However, I will say that it has been hard and cruel, and I wouldn't wish any of this shit on anyone. So now let's focus on the good!

I received a last minute call to join the DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) group at Belmont Hospital which started on Tuesday just gone. This came as a massive shock as I was expecting it to be a few months away. It appears that they enrol new people at the beginning of each unit of study. Some people finish, some people begin. Apparently they had someone pull out at the last minute and since I had an open availability they got me in straight up. It's a course that is supposedly really good for people who have borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. If I work hard and practice I should find that I get a lot out of it with regards to the way I handle my emotions and how I cope in certain situations. Cross your fingers for me!

This week has been my second week with a singing teacher. I haven't worked with a professional for decades! It has been so much fun doing warm ups, scales, etc. My teacher is actually a music director at a community theatre company, and thinks it is something I should audition for. To say I am excited by this is definitely an understatement. I've always wanted to get involved in community theatre, but my situation as a single parent made that kind of difficult. Thankfully having a supportive husbfriend will make it much easier for me to do this. One of the productions he wants me to consider auditioning for is The Wedding Singer - The Broadway Musical. Yep, The Wedding Singer. As in the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie. One of my fricking favourites!!!!

Other than that I have just been working hard at keeping my head above water, both physically and emotionally. My chronic pain issues are unrelenting, If I do anything with my hands for more than half an hour they end up with pins and needles that, like Kim Kardashian's booty, just don't quit. This is putting a serious dent into my Mario Kart time. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in July, but am on the cancellation list so I could possibly get in to see him sooner. I'll try to cross my own fingers for that, but I'm not making any promises.

Holiday time is coming very quickly for my baby and I. We are headed down to the NSW South Coast in August to spend some time with my mum. It's only a quick 10 day trip, and my priority is to see my mum. However, I may arrange a get together at one location and those who can make it are welcome to turn up. It's really hard rally racing around to see everyone that I want to see in such a short amount of time. I will make all arrangements around this on my personal facebook page as August creeps closer.

Dinner is ready, so I'm off to eat my husbfriend's creation and watch The Wedding Singer xx

A Conversation With A Friend

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine named Hayley. She had recently had a stay at Belmont Hospital too so I wanted to discuss her experiences.

A: How did you find your experience there?

H: I think I was more motivated at the beginning than at the end. Like, I kind of got over it at the end. But going in there I was just happy to be doing something to help myself. So I kind of felt good about going in and I felt really good during CBT because it was structured and I felt like part of the group, because we all got to know each other in that group and it was a nice group of people to be with.

A: How long were you in there for in total?

H: I was there for four weeks altogether, and two of them were in CBT. But I found that when CBT finished I felt like I was missing something. I had to do random groups that I wasn’t as interested in and that didn’t help me as much.

A: I found a very similar thing.  You’d get excited about a new course that you think is going to be totally amazing, like creative writing. I went there and I really enjoyed it. So the next time I went I thought it was going to build on that last stuff, but the second course was exactly the same. I think the even told the same jokes. Nothing was different. It felt like a waste of my time, but what else was I going to do with my time, really?

H: I ended up avoiding all of the informational sessions as I’d done it all in CBT anyway and I wasn’t getting anything out of them. I ended up going to the mindfulness colouring in and doing the mandalas and crafts, as it takes your mind off stuff because you’re just focusing on that, which is good.

A: Speaking of which I went for a walk this morning and took my Calm The Fuck Down colouring in book with me to do while I had a coffee. It was lovely. Problem is that I find that with the neuropathic pain in my hand I have about 20 mins of colouring in ahead of me before I’m done.

H: Have you tried the colouring in apps?

A: No but I have tried the Headspace App (give info about headspace app)

A: How did you find it when you went home?

H I don’t think I was too much better or worse. I think there were things I was able to better handle, but there wasn’t a really big improvement or anything.

A: For me, what I was talking to Trent about it being like was it being a massive floodgate being opened and all my emotions coming vomiting out that I hadn’t dealt either properly or at all over the 40 years. And now that I have done that and come home, I don’t know how to close it, I don’t know if I’m supposed to close it. But my emotions are wild. And I was wondering if that was something you’d experienced, if your emotions are more out of control since going home?

H: Not really. One of my problems is that I don’t feel enough emotions. I’ve just repressed it enough that there’s not really any feelings anymore. There is this numb, flat feeling, and that hasn’t changed. That was something I was hoping would change, to be able to have emotions.

A: That’s the shitty thing. The only day group you can go to is CBT and once you’ve done that all you’re left with are the individual sessions, which have usually been covered by CBT or are your arts and crafts, and mindfulness colouring in groups. You leave hospital an come back, and you can’t do any of the outpatient programs while you’re an inpatient.

So if your psychiatrist suggested you go back in as an inpatient again, is that something you’d consider?

H: Yeah I would because I didn’t hate it. It is good to be able to see the psychiatrist every day, and it is good to be away from the real world when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I think I would go back in, but not for as long as for the first time.

A: Do you have a plan to go back in at some point in time in the near future?

H: It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t think I need to. I go through cycles for months and then I have a cycle where I get really bad and I’m not in one of those at the moment. I’m just cruising along. Not feeling too bad, but not feeling too good either. Just kind of existing.

A: Did they give you a diagnosis?

H: They gave me a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, BPD and investigating me for ADHD.

H: People have a view of what a disorder is, or what it should be, and the reality of that si quite different, especially around the hyperactivity part. More about fidgeting, not being able to sit still, as opposed to being manic and uncontrollable.

A: Now you’re doing an outreach program at the moment, is that correct?

H: I’m enrolled for DBT and there are no places in that as yet, so in the interm I’m doing an outreach program which has me seeing a mental health nurse weekly, and then I get a free consult with my psychiatrist. It saves you having to pay big bucks to see your psychiatrist on the regular. DBT is a big commitment as it is 2 days a week for 6 months.

N.B Just as a side note, Hayley has recently returned to Belmont to be monitored for a medication change. Nothing to drastic, but it was worth noting in the context of the discussion.

It's time to ACT

It's time to ACT and that time is now. Well I say no I mean in 4 hours time. To say I'm a little nervous is an understatement. However as Vincent van Gough once said "what would life be like if we had no courage to attempt anything". So here I am, awake too early. I've been outside to vape, taken some pain meds and have started on my water for the day. All I have to do now is wait for breakfast and my day can really kick off.

I probably should explain what ACT is, for this who don't know. It is an acronym for acceptance and commitment therapy. Put simply it teaches us to accept what is out of our personal control., And commit to action that improves and enriches your life. A very good friend of mine is a psychologist who has discussed ACT with me before. She put me on to a book called The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris. It is a really good starting point if you want to start out.

Yesterday was a bit of an up and down kind of day. I spoke to a facilitator for another program called dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), to see if I would be a good candidate and to put me on a wait list. I had no idea what it even was, but I will get in to that soon. My pain levels are high. If anyone can explain how I can wake with two dead arms when I sleep on my back I would be forever grateful. I went to the meds window to ask for meds only to found out that I am on restricted endone of 2 a day but you can't get any outside of a 24 hour window. GAAAAAAH! Thankfully I have a visitor soon (Husbfriend) and I am looking forward to his face.

Husbfriend will be on his way soon and I cannot wait to see his handsome face. He really is my number one husband. We are going to meet up after I go to the gym and then have a cofee before we see my psychiatrist together. Fingers crossed he doesn't tell Trent to run from me and never look back!

I had mentioned DBT earlier so thought I'd give some info about that. Basically it is a form of therapy for those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder (DBT). IT is a skills based program to assist participants to deal with intense emotions and to manage self harming behaviours. It is pretty bloody hardcore as far as therapy goes. I think the closest class will be in May or June, so we will see.

Home tomorrow. Yippee. The doctor has given me permission to go to home so I can take little man to his swimming lessons and probably do some housework. I also need to plan his little party so that should be exciting.

I probably should get up and get at it. Need to get dressed in my Active Wear. Ciao for now.