The Time Has Come To Say Farewell... Again

Tomorrow I pack up my worries in my own bag and smile. Or at least try to. I have so many feels and not all of them are good. How do I cope out there? What will be different? Will these meds work? I feel like these questions are just spinning around in my mind all day long. I get excited. I cry. I get excited. I cry. I feel dead on the inside. I cry. Blah blah blah.

I've come up with a few coping strategies. Exercise being one of them. Yep, you heard me right. I am going to get myself walking. Much easier now that the sun isn't trying to suffocate me every time I step out the door. I am going to walk, chuck in my earphones, listen to music, and zone out. There is also a thing called a worry box. You can either have a physical or metaphorical worry box. If there is a worry I write it down and put it in the box. It then gets dealt with at a particular time of the day. Say 7pm. The rest of the day I don't worry about those things. They get pushed aside to a time that is more convenient. Apparently most of the time people find that the things they worried about are no longer that important.

My attitude needs to be different to what it was last time. I need to stop being the victim. I need to stop running away. I need to stop catastrophising. That is one of my biggest issues. "If you got  problem, yo I'll make it a thousand times worse!"does not need to be my mantra. I need to learn to breathe deeper and slower and try to remain focused in the moment. Committing to things is important to. I am doing this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy class on Fridays. I need to commit to that. I am also starting a Cert III in Pathology Assistance in July. So I need to commit to that too. These aren't monumental tasks so I am pretty sure that I can do it. I just have to keep myself motivated. Any tips?

Recently I have begun taking Lithium. It's a mood stabiliser and reminds me of the Nirvana song of the same name. Usually I will read the heck out of the medication list, finding out the side effects, etc. To be honest I think that's made me feel worse. Almost in a psychosomatic sense. However what I do know is that it is used to treat the swinging moods of people with bipolar. So since it seems to be having a good affect on me so far the doctor said that it is a possibility that I have Bipolar Affective Disorder. So now I am on so many meds that I can't believe I have much room left for food. And yet I do!

I'm still waiting to see my doctor for the day, which is a bit annoying since I have been waiting since this morning. I understand he is busy, but I am very busy just sitting around and thinking about how shit I am.

It's time to ACT

It's time to ACT and that time is now. Well I say no I mean in 4 hours time. To say I'm a little nervous is an understatement. However as Vincent van Gough once said "what would life be like if we had no courage to attempt anything". So here I am, awake too early. I've been outside to vape, taken some pain meds and have started on my water for the day. All I have to do now is wait for breakfast and my day can really kick off.

I probably should explain what ACT is, for this who don't know. It is an acronym for acceptance and commitment therapy. Put simply it teaches us to accept what is out of our personal control., And commit to action that improves and enriches your life. A very good friend of mine is a psychologist who has discussed ACT with me before. She put me on to a book called The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris. It is a really good starting point if you want to start out.

Yesterday was a bit of an up and down kind of day. I spoke to a facilitator for another program called dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), to see if I would be a good candidate and to put me on a wait list. I had no idea what it even was, but I will get in to that soon. My pain levels are high. If anyone can explain how I can wake with two dead arms when I sleep on my back I would be forever grateful. I went to the meds window to ask for meds only to found out that I am on restricted endone of 2 a day but you can't get any outside of a 24 hour window. GAAAAAAH! Thankfully I have a visitor soon (Husbfriend) and I am looking forward to his face.

Husbfriend will be on his way soon and I cannot wait to see his handsome face. He really is my number one husband. We are going to meet up after I go to the gym and then have a cofee before we see my psychiatrist together. Fingers crossed he doesn't tell Trent to run from me and never look back!

I had mentioned DBT earlier so thought I'd give some info about that. Basically it is a form of therapy for those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder (DBT). IT is a skills based program to assist participants to deal with intense emotions and to manage self harming behaviours. It is pretty bloody hardcore as far as therapy goes. I think the closest class will be in May or June, so we will see.

Home tomorrow. Yippee. The doctor has given me permission to go to home so I can take little man to his swimming lessons and probably do some housework. I also need to plan his little party so that should be exciting.

I probably should get up and get at it. Need to get dressed in my Active Wear. Ciao for now.

What TF Is A Personality Disorder?

I've been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Rather unceremoniously too (no bells, whistles, parades or even a luncheon). My psychologist called my psychiatrist to call about me, considering I was a bit of a suicidal, self harming mess. When she got off the phone she said to me "You didn't tell me that you've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder". WELL THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW!!! But what TF is a personality disorder? How do they come about? What does it mean? Please tell me there is a treatment for it!

Personality disorders aren't as horrific as they first sound. It doesn't mean that you've got a shit personality, or that you are like a malfunctioning robot. No steam is going to come out of your ears and you wont lost a spring or pop rivet. Personality disorders are actual mental disorders that cause suffering. It is basically a long term pattern of behaviour which makes it difficult to function on the daily. I'm hoping it provides me with the perfect excuse for never making my bed ;) But seriously it can make it hard to sustain a job and form a positive relationship in the long term. It can be tricky to recognise that you have a borderline personality disorder, which leads to people not receiving the best kind of care they can get. They go hand in hand with other forms of mental illness, like depression and anxiety, so usually we just try to treat those and feel like we keep failing.

Personality disorders do come in many different packages, so my disorder my not look the same as yours might. There are three main groups of personality disorders. The first group of disorders are usually described as being odd or eccentric. These include paranoid personality disorders, schizoid personality disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder. The next group are for the emotionally unstable, dramatic, and/or impulsive (it's like they know me!!!). These disorders include antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. The third package stores avoidant personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and dependent personality disorder.

The causes of personality disorders are not well understood. There is a link between genetic factors and early environmental factors. There is no single gene involved in causing someone to develop a personality disorder. However people with personality disorders (particularly those such as borderline personality disorder) do generally come from unstable childhood homes. These homes usually have a high rate of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. It comes from a complex interaction of negative early life experiences and genetic factors, as well as a lack of positive caregiving from one or both parents in early childhood can have a negative impact on personality development.

Personality disorders are next to impossible to manage on their own. If you think you fall in to the category of possibly having a personality disorder then the first step is to go to your local GP, but also jump on the web page for Black Dog Institute, which is an amazing resource. Don't just settle for any old Dr Nick Riviera. Find the one that is right for you. The one that listens and does what needs to be done in partnership with you. They can refer you to a psychiatrist who is able to give you an actual diagnosis, and who will also be able to link you in with a plethora of resources.

One type of therapy are psychotherapy courses, which are meant to provide a better long term solution than medication. These courses include cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapy. These require a commitment as they usually run over a number of sessions. However the information you can get from them is invaluable. They are offered through psychiatrists, or psychologist. Either will be able to help you with each. 

Medication is such an individual thing. I have tried many a form of antidepressant and anti anxiety meds. I'm currently taking Valium and Neulactil for anxiety. The doc has recently started me on Lithium. I don't know a lot about it at the moment as I don't want to read too much in to the negative side effects. Otherwise you can be guaranteed I will freak out about having every single one of them. Just know that the first medication may not work. You may go through ten or so meds until you find the right one. But just stick with it.

Understanding you have, and then acting on your illness is the first step. And it is a bloody big one. If think you may have a personality disorder and you want to do something about it, full props to you,my friend. Without the right help you can continue down a path of a long-term and pervasive pattern of thoughts, emotions and behaviours that cause distress and interfere with your ability to cope with much of what life has to throw at you. There are many ways to cope. It's just a matter of finding the right ones.

Sending love to you all <3