I'm tired. I don't mean that I need to sleep I just mean that I'm tired. Everything feels so much like hard work. Eating, talking, moving, breathing. And then we had my baby's birthday to celebrate. How on earth amI supposed to find the energy for this?
Birthday celebrations for Ezzy were fun. We blew up far too many balloons, ate an amazing cake, and chilled out. Although I only ever felt half there. I couldn't be fully present. Part of my brain was always somewhere else. I believed In was such shit parent for not being 100% there on his special day.
It's hard to remember that it isn't me that's a shit. It's my illness. My mental illness is what takes my mind to places that aren't helpful. However I wonder if my medication is working or not. Should it be doing its thing by now? If it was gonna work should I be feeling better than this? I have already taken almost every antidepressant on the market. I'm not sure that there is anything more that I can take. Maybe this is going to be how it is always going to be.
And if it is, well I don't know that I can do it.
One day at a time honey. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't let mothers guilt get to you, you're doing the best you can and no one can do more than that. X
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