The Day Before Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day. It is a Friday, but it is also the day I am meant to be going home. I am both excited and anxious, but I'm also nervous about this horrific weather delaying my plans. Thanksfully I have my Squirtle to cuddle and remind me of my baby boy, whose nickname is Squirtle.

As many of you have likely heard, Brisbane is in the midst of some rotten weather. Well actually most of South East QLD and North East NSW. The train is too dangerous to drive in at times, roads are closing due to flooding, and we have to run the gauntlet between Carindale and Ipswich, which is around 40 mind for those who have no idea where these places are. Plus there are sharks on the road, so fuck driving alongside a fricking shark with fricking laser beams.

So lets say I make it home. What's next? Well I see my psychologist on Monday, my ortho spine specialist Monday, my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and then start ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) on Friday I think. There are a whole lot of things to keep me busy during the week, so I am sure I won't have to worry about not being supported after I leave. I am very much looking forward to seeing my big boys, my kitties, and my Renly. I haven't seen much of this lot, so I am desperate for some time with them. Who knows, we might even get to play some Exploding Kittens.

If things don't go to plan, as they sometimes don't, I am able to come back for more intensive therapy. Apparently going home can be a massive anxiety trigger. We live in a pretty controlled environment here. There isn't an abundance of stimulation to make your senses explode. It is all pretty calm. Home, on the other hand, can be complete chaos. Dogs chasing cats, kids not cleaning their rooms, mess, noise, etc etc etc. So not only is there the anxiety that comes from leaving hospital, but there is the anxiety that comes from being in our own daily lives again. When I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday he will assess me and see how I'm going. However readmission is only a phone call away.

The biggest question I've had to ask myself is, where do I go from here? Well I have my ACT group and Psych appts. I want to get to the stage where I have Ezra back home with me out of day care for one day a week so we can go swimming and have fun together. Furthering my education is a big thing for me to pursue, especially considering how many times I've started and failed study due to my self esteem convincing me that I'm totally shithouse. So I am going to work on that in baby steps, starting with an on campus Cert III in something or other. Might as well get an edumacation, right?

Time for me to embrace these medications and go to sleep. I need to put my worries away for another day and see what tomorrow brings.

Lots of love to you all

I'm in Crazytown for another week.

It has been a big couple of days. Some good, some not so good. I've made revelations, changed medications, purchased things, and lost stuff, (which was found by other people). But hilarity ensued so that makes up for it.

CBT has been great. We have discussed saying "No", made a plan around relapsing, discussed self esteem, and identified our strengths. I would definitely say that the self-esteem and strengths lessons were the most confronting. I'm not great at identifying my strengths. Feel free to indulge me by commenting with ideas I could use for what my strengths are. CBT comes to an end tomorrow however I can do a continuation or another day course when I become an outpatient. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is definitely on my to-do list.

Changing medication as an inpatient is so much less brutal than doing it at home on your own. Having access to medication I can take when I feel unwell (aka PRN), such as valium and neulactil, has made the ride a lot less bumpier than it has before. PRNs are my new squad. Sorry other friends!

I have been a little retail crazy. I mean Carindale is right across the road, for craps sake. I wanted to make it feel more homely. Trent was hanging with me and he got me a comforter set, which will end up on Ezra's bed, some amazing shoes!!!!, a colouring in book since I left my others at home, and a puzzle. My husbfriend also picked a Squirtle plushy for me to remind me of Ezra. His nickname has been Squirtle for as long as his name has been Ezra.

Last night I had quite a bit of medication for sleep and anxiety. It is fair to say that I was pleasantly off my face. I decided I needed a snack, and the vending machine was in one of the other wings. I walked that hallway about 5 times trying to find the gosh darn thing. How can a vending machine just disappear!?! A nurse came along and informed me that I needed to go through a door to get to it. Oooops. However it was a rookie mistake, right? Since I was on the phone to Trent I thought I'd walk towards the entrance so I wouldn't wake the others. We had a nice chat that ended with "I need to go. I'm falling asleep". Fast forward to this morning at 6am when a burly security guard comes to tell me my wallet was found near the entrance and they needed to check that I didn't escape the hospital. Jinkies!

I should wrap it up and have a shower. Bye, Lovers xxxx