Time For An Update

It has been a few months since my mental health declined rapidly. So where am I at now? Well let me fill you in...

Firstly, my Psoriatic Arthritis has been diagnosed and treated. I am currently having blood tests every six weeks to see how my body is tolerating my new medication, and while it has made a huge difference, I am still a way off remission. However I am hopeful of reaching remission and being pain-free in the next 6 months. My pain levels at the moment are tolerable though, and don't really affect my ability to walk through this world.

My mental health is very stable. I take an anti-depressant and a mood stabiliser. I keep a diary of my mood each and every day. I am pleased to say that every day for the whole month of August has been recorded as being a good day, despite is moving house and being frazzled and exhausted. To compare, in April a good day was a rarity.

I have started studying a Cert III in Health Services Assistance, and am looking at returning to the workforce in the next week if all pans out as I hope.

Thank you to everyone who has supported and loved me through my darkest hours ❤️

Update!

It's been a while since my last post. Truth is, not a lot has been happening. Hopefully June will see things improving and resolving.

This Tuesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. First in a while. While I haven't felt crushingly low I certainly am not out from the cover of depression and anxiety. I'm chewing Newlactil like Tic Tacs. I am not sure if the Lithium isn't working or if I just need something else for the depression part. It has stabilised my moods, but at "meh" level. I kind of want more than meh.

Oh Thursday I am off to see the Rheumatologist to follow up from my MRI. I am anxious but looking forward to a diagnosis and a way to move forward with my life. I need to feel like I'm part of the big picture, not just a person stuck at home who isn't even very good at doing housework. I want a job, I want a career, I want to make a decent financial contribution towards my family life.

One thing I have noticed is that people don't seem to want to talk to me about how I'm doing any more. Most people seem happy to just not bring up the subject of my health issues. Is it because it makes them uncomfortable? They don't know what to say? I'm not sure what it is but it makes me feel very lonely. All I want is for someone to contact me to catch up for coffee and see how I'm doing.

I Have A Diagnosis - Kinda

Hey there you cuties. It has been a while since I've posted. Nothing has really been going on, except cleaning. So what was there to talk about? For those who don't know, I've been sick for a while and running like a hamster on a wheel through a myriad of tests and specialist visits over the past 18 months. It has been very difficult and has affected my physical and mental health.

Today I saw my GP. I was there to have a script renewed when she told me that she had been sent a copy of my MRI results that the Rheumatologist ordered. She stated that while she couldn't give me a definitive diagnosis, the MRI results were indicative of Rheumatoid Arthritis. As it is up to the specialist to diagnose me she isn't able to decide the treatment, so at this stage I am not actively being treated.

While I am thankful for a diagnosis I have to say that I'm not too happy about having Rheumatoid Arthritis. As for you, you're probably wondering what the heck it is. Better Health has a decent little rundown. However, it is basically an autoimmune disease that causes pain and inflammation​ of the joints, along with fatigue and sleep difficulties. There are also other annoying things like dry eyes, feeling like you always have something stuck in your throat, and the affected joints feel warm. So I can rarely keep my feet under the doona at night.

Once the specialist see's me in June I will likely be put on a disease modifying antirheumetic medication (DMARD). They are pretty full-on, with some serious side effects, but it does mean I may be able to get my life back on track, and could even be able to re-enter the workforce! Yay!

Anyway, that's it from me at almost 1am. I need to try to get some sleep. Please feel free to hit me up with any questions about RA. Or just to chat. Whatevz. ❤️

"You're Not Crazy"

Urgh what a busy day. Productive but exhausting, although I think the most productive days do take it out of you. For me it has been a day of medical appointments. Lots of stuff going on there.

First up I had an appointment at the hospital with the pre-op team. I am having some day surgery for a gynaecological issue. After everything else that has been happening with ms lately they wanted me to see the anaesthetist before we committed to a surgery date. We ticked the boxes and talked about the surgery and all of the other boring bits before being sent on our way with a promise that someone will call soon with a surgery date and time.

I went for a little drive to kill some time. An old favourite coffee shop has changed owners so I wanted to see what the new vibe was like. I ordered a coffee and some hummingbird cake because I'm a weak-willed animal. Thankfully the coffee was amazing and filled in for some of the energy I was lacking. The hummingbird cake only served to make the world feel like a better place.

Next up was a drive in towards the city to see a rheumatologist. You can imagine my surprise when this specialist was on time. A novelty. Anyroad I sat in with him for a while. He read my test results, talked about my history, did a bit of a physical exam and then wrote me a referral for an MRI on my foot. Another test. Yay! However the best part was hearing him say "You're not crazy. There is something wrong. We just need to figure out what it is." I've been starting to worry that I am crazy and that this is all psychosomatic.

On my way home I got a call from the hospital asking me to come for surgery next Thursday. For surgery in the fternoon. So I get to fast during the day. I'm going to be so much fun to be around.

All in all it has felt like a day where I am finding some issues on their way to being resolved. It is a massive weight off my shoulders. I just wish we could hurry up and start getting a diagnosis for the $350 for each of these specialist appointments I've been to lately.

Radio Silence

My apologies for the radio silence. There has been a lot going on around here lately. Some good, some not so good. Family stuff has had me down down down, however for the purposes of privacy I will not be discussing this on my blog post. However, I will say that it has been hard and cruel, and I wouldn't wish any of this shit on anyone. So now let's focus on the good!

I received a last minute call to join the DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) group at Belmont Hospital which started on Tuesday just gone. This came as a massive shock as I was expecting it to be a few months away. It appears that they enrol new people at the beginning of each unit of study. Some people finish, some people begin. Apparently they had someone pull out at the last minute and since I had an open availability they got me in straight up. It's a course that is supposedly really good for people who have borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. If I work hard and practice I should find that I get a lot out of it with regards to the way I handle my emotions and how I cope in certain situations. Cross your fingers for me!

This week has been my second week with a singing teacher. I haven't worked with a professional for decades! It has been so much fun doing warm ups, scales, etc. My teacher is actually a music director at a community theatre company, and thinks it is something I should audition for. To say I am excited by this is definitely an understatement. I've always wanted to get involved in community theatre, but my situation as a single parent made that kind of difficult. Thankfully having a supportive husbfriend will make it much easier for me to do this. One of the productions he wants me to consider auditioning for is The Wedding Singer - The Broadway Musical. Yep, The Wedding Singer. As in the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie. One of my fricking favourites!!!!

Other than that I have just been working hard at keeping my head above water, both physically and emotionally. My chronic pain issues are unrelenting, If I do anything with my hands for more than half an hour they end up with pins and needles that, like Kim Kardashian's booty, just don't quit. This is putting a serious dent into my Mario Kart time. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in July, but am on the cancellation list so I could possibly get in to see him sooner. I'll try to cross my own fingers for that, but I'm not making any promises.

Holiday time is coming very quickly for my baby and I. We are headed down to the NSW South Coast in August to spend some time with my mum. It's only a quick 10 day trip, and my priority is to see my mum. However, I may arrange a get together at one location and those who can make it are welcome to turn up. It's really hard rally racing around to see everyone that I want to see in such a short amount of time. I will make all arrangements around this on my personal facebook page as August creeps closer.

Dinner is ready, so I'm off to eat my husbfriend's creation and watch The Wedding Singer xx

Just Get Over It

It's the motto of the people. Just Get Over It. Because a mental illness isn't really an illness. You don't need to diagnose it, or treat it, or beat it. You just need to Just Get Over It.

So many people love to regale me with stories about how they had a hard time after a break up and then they just got over it. They just decided that they weren't going to be sad about it anymore. So they just put their problems away and got on with their life. Hooray!

Unfortunately mental illness isn't like that. It manifests over time. It builds and builds and builds, slowly infecting the rest of your life like the fucking parasite that it is. For me it started as a few years at school, not knowing what your crying about. Moving on to hurting myself with a number of tools. When I reached drinking age it became a new way of hurting myself. Drink til I'm sick. Behave in ways that weren't very kind to myself. My dignity took a battering. I stopped feel proud of myself.

Over the years I have tried to fight it. I have tried to Just Get Over It. It hasn't worked. In fact, I think it has made it even worse. The anxiety grew and grew. The sadness and emptiness deepened. The self hatred got stronger.

Through all of this I have come to realise that I can't beat this. Instead of trying to Just Get Over It I need to treat it. In order to treat it, I need to accept it. Accept that I am going to be anxious. Accept that we are going to get depressed. Accept that we are worthy

My Bipolar Marriage

It's not easy having Bipolar Affective Disorder and being married. My moods rapidly cycle. It's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself. Sometimes I have to be selfish and take time out for myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't even function as a human, let alone a wife.

With my moods, at one moment I'm up, the next I'm way way way down. It's hard to live happily ever after when you hit rock bottom and get out of bed. It can be dizzying for my husband when one moment I'm lower than low and the next I'm bouncing around the house wanting to do everything at once. However most often I find myself on the depressed side of my disorder. I can also be the angriest, crankiest bitch when I want to be. My flight response is so ingrained that every other week I've decided it is probably best that I leave the relationship.

It's hard to love your husband when you can't even love yourself. It's a bloody horrible thing to say, but there are days where I feel that there is just not an ounce of love in my body that I just muster to share with anyone. What little I have, I give to my children. Unfortunately sometimes he misses out. That makes me feel like a really shitty person.

There are weeks where I have to take time out to focus on my own mental health, leaving my husband behind to deal with all of the stress and responsibility. This past two months I have been in a psychiatric hospital three times. For a minimum of two weeks at a time. During that time he has had to endure his own issues that have made life harder for him than it should be. What makes me feel even more terrible is knowing that I am not there for him when he needs me most.

Sometimes the illness takes over and I feel like I don't even want to get out of bed. I either start the day not wanting to get out of bed and have to get Husbfriend to look after getting the kids organised for school/care while I stay in bed, or I start the day OK and then find myself in my bed with no way of getting out again. Then he finds that instead of just coming straight home and relaxing, he has to do the child care run to get the baby to bring home to the lazy wife. On these days I am lucky to have showered, let alone made dinner.

However other days I decide that I want to get everyting done at once and I start cleaning every room at the one time. Pull all of the crap out of every room and put it on the dining table. I zip around from room to room doing bits and pieces here and there, only to find that I haven't actually achieved anything much and it is time for dinner and all of the shit that I have piled on the dining table needs to be shoved back in to the rooms they came from and I have wasted a whole day.

Thankfully through all of this I have a kind, loving, caring man who is a pillar of strength in our family. Without him being the person that he is, my marriage would have dissolved a long time ago. I do realise each and every day how lucky I am to be married to a man like him. I'm looking forward to getting this illness of mine managed enough for me to be able to be at least half the wife this amazing man deserves.